Man in shock after his conservatory defects to Reform
“I can’t believe it,” said Terry Marsden, a 44-year-old wellness plasterer from Dagenham. “I came downstairs this morning and made myself the first cuppa of the day in the kitchen. I opened up the bifolds to the conservatory, sat down with the paper, and realised there was no roof. Worse than that, it was tanking down with rain. I looked up and realised the conservatory had completely gone — and I mean completely. All 4.0 x 5.5 m of it, including the responsibly sourced timbe
The ICE Barbie School of Creative Excuses
Can't think up a good excuse for missing work a second day running? Or for rolling home drunk on your anniversary without a gift for your wife and with lipstick on your collar? You need to sign up at the ICE Barbie School of Creative Excuses. This is the woman who stunned the world by saying that Minnesota mum Renee Good, who was shot by ICE agents while driving away in her car, was a domestic terrorist trying to run them over. ICE Barbie, aka Kristi Noem, then went one bette
Trumpton to rededicate its highest honour to Donald Trump
The Tumptonshire mayor's office today confirmed it is taking back its highest honour, The Camberwick Shield, recently awarded for services to the village of Camberwick Green to the ever popular flour grinder, Windy Miller. The shield will then be rededicated to President Donald J Trump. Speaking on the Trumpton Today Programme the mayor said: 'It is only right and proper we should give this honour to President Trump for his great contribution to the twenty-first century. No o
It’s one all in ICE verses CBP in the worst possible contest
Both teams are hoping to finish top in the Homeland Security competition. The Customs and Border Protection are the underdogs and the lesser known of the two. They just equalised in dramatic fashion with a scrappy group effort that was completely undeserved. It looked fairly chaotic and many shots were made, mostly on target at close range. There was initially a misunderstanding over social media if ICE had got another one, but it was clarified that this time it was the Borde
The Tory Party rebrands as a leper colony
Following a spate of high-level defections to Reform, a senior Conservative frontbencher has said that desperate times call for desperate measures. “At this rate, we’ll have no one left. We're not exactly falling apart but everyone hates us, and we’ve become a complete irrelevance in the political landscape.” He confirmed the bold rebrand from political party to leper colony after external polling showed that 76% of voters were not crossing the road fast enough whenever they
Farage spotted coming out of disguise shop
Nigel Farage is understood to have bought the entire stock of a London disguise shop for his new MPs. He couldn’t do it online as he doesn’t know how to use computers. That’s what he told the Standards Committee, anyway. ‘He’s bought a blonde wig for Suella’, a spokesman told us. ‘Bold choice. The voters will never remember she used to be a Tory. Robert Jenrick will dress up as the Childcatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. It’s a despised role, but still better than being Ro
Suella Braverman to join the Great British Break Off
From our correspondent in the snug of the Dirty Duck. 'There is general uproar here, as I text this report. It's Dodgy Dave's birthday, and he's been buying rounds since the pub opened. From what I can hear off the telly, in a surprise move Suella Braverman has been signed up to join Great British Break Off. The 'reality' show where people come to try out half-baked ideas in the Reform tent. 'Recent entrants have been Robert Jenrick with his Blackout Cake. He was unable to r
Trump signs up fellow warmongers to the Bored of Peace
"I've made a billion dollars off the backs of everyone around me, I've conquered Greenbackland for America, and I am the proud holder of someone else's Nobel Prize," gloated Trump. "But I'm not a great war leader yet, and I deserve to be," he said, watching his minions beat ploughshares into swords and fuel up 500 Minuteman nuclear missiles. "That why I'm going to start World War Three right away, alongside everyone else in my great new Bored of Peace group. "I've got some tr
Trump claims to have ended five winters
President Trump has claimed that he has "ended 5 winters in just 5 years" in a social media post with the title "the president of summer". His latest addition to his list of winters "ended" is the months-long chill between 2025 and 2026. The other four were between 2017 and 2021, in his first term as president. A number of these winters were unusually mild, due to global warming which Trump denies - and one of them had little in the way of cold to end. It is also unclear whet
Andy Burnham explains why he hates being Mayor
Andy Burnham resigned in 2017 as MP for Leigh, a constituency of 77,000, in order to be elected as Mayor of Manchester. His reasons were a) that he hated being an opposition MP where he couldn’t do anything b) I’m bigger than this, and c) the constituency was going to be abolished, which it duly was, in 2024. Good call, Andy. Andy was elected Mayor of Manchester in 2017, and re-elected in 2021, and elected for a third time in May 2024, shortly before the General Election th
