In his conference speech today, Chancellor George Osborne went some way towards mollifying outraged middle classes by suggesting they should sell some of their surplus children to China to make up for the loss of child benefit.
In a wise move, he advocated outsourcing any surplus children to the Chinese. He said: “Obviously the slack child protection legislation and general human rights position make China an ideal partner for extraordinary child rendition. The EU has once again stepped in to attempt to ban child rendition across Europe, despite a burgeoning sector in human trafficking. Well I say, we’re all in this together, and that includes slightly dim second and third sons. Once you’ve got a solid heir to the family business, why not free up this excess capacity to migrate to gaps in the market? Particularly when all those trucks and boats bringing immigrants here are returning practically empty. What a shocking waste of resources in a recession.”
The Daily Mail has taken up the idea with considerable enthusiasm and is now running a campaign to go even further and encourage people to report local, feckless breeding scum with too many kids to a government agency to arrange enforced export. The editor spoke to us and said: “What a great idea this is. I’d like to thank George Osborne for allaying our fears about the critical loss of pinot grigio money, er I mean child benefit. The China plan is superb. After all, we send parcels of toys to these sorts of places. Why not go the whole hog and send a kid? If we can bring down the future number of dole scum as well, then we’re all winning together.”