Education Secretary Michael Gove has outlined plans to scrap Modern Foreign Languages as part of the National Curriculum, and to replace them with a programme which encourages children to speak slowly and loudly, as if the listener was a particularly stupid person.
Slow-talk lessons will also include courses in wild, stabbing hand-gestures. Learners will be taught to add a number of patronising culturally stereotyped names to their comments, including Pedro, Manuel and several others which have not been heard since the days of Love Thy Neighbour.
"This is all about making what children learn in school more relevant to their adult life", explained Mr Gove, speaking at the Tory party conference.
"One of the problems of the MFL programme is its exclusive nature. Kids can sometimes spend years studying French only to go on holiday to Benidorm, where nobody speaks French. This new system works in any country in the world, including America."
"Another benefit of this scheme is that teachers won't have to retrain in order to pick it up. In fact, it's even possible that elderly or bigoted members of staff, who we were in danger of losing once new performance management systems kick in, could thrive."
The roll-out in secondary schools follows a hundred-and-seventy-year pilot of the scheme in independent schools, but Mr Gove remains unapologetic. "Yes, you can say that this style of communication is elitist and that it has been the domain of the privileged since, well, since Victoria. But dammit, we built an Empire on the basis of talking down to Johnny Foreigner, and frankly if we are going to have an Empire again we need the youth of today to start thinking like the aristocracy of yore."
The shake-up to the National Curriculum has been driven by age-appropriate focus groups. Other initiatives include new Vocational Qualifications in Being a Pretty Celebrity and Marrying a well-fit Footballer, Convincing Kieran's Older Brother to get us some cans of White Lightening and some Rizlas, and Stuff to Say to the Bailiffs when they ask where Mum and Dad are.