Police Cold Case Unit blames 90% of family colds on ‘that selfish bastard on the train’.
A report from the Police's top cold case review unit has found that the vast majority of colds bought into the home can be attributed to 'the selfish bastard on the train the other morning'.
The report details the painstaking work carried out by the Metropolitan Cold Case Unit. Often called in to resolve family disputes, the team are able to apply sound good detection techniques backed up by computer anti virus technology and a team of sniffer dogs to arrive at an accurate answer to the question 'Who bought that bloody cold into the house?'
The team has proved so successful on ‘domestic cases’ that they are starting to investigate workplace colds to ensure blame is properly apportioned amongst office workers. However, suggestions that the unit be used to trace the carriers of stomach bugs have been pooh-poohed by officials as a ‘crap idea.’
Although he was unclear why the unit was initially set up, their leader, Detective Supt. Jack Davies, was sure that his cold case team were making a difference. 'This is the real front line of policing. Far more misery is caused by the people spreading cold and 'flu viruses around than, for instance,' here Supt Davies paused, 'I'm going to be controversial here,' he said. 'than, unsolved homicides.'
Supt. Davies confirmed the report's findings that the 90.3% of cold infections are traced back to a person on the train or bus with no regard for their fellow passengers. 'These selfish people have no consideration for others,’ he said. ‘They stand on the train snuffling and sneezing their filthy germs over everyone. And what really annoys me is that if I get a cold I have to keep working because I’m so busy.’
Based on eye witness accounts and profiling experts, the unit has issued a photo-fit picture of the typical perpetrator. ‘Suspects are frequently seen standing on a crowded train, with a red nose, watery eyes and a ferocious sniff,’ warned Supt. Davies. ‘If any member of the public sees a person answering to this description, do not approach them as they may be contagious.’