Great start to the month, with last month's winner acting as if you can win two months in a row. nickb is also doing a sterling job. Full list of links on the blog. For those who CBA to look up the blog, here's the leaderboard:
Quick links: NewsBiscuit Home • Chat Room • Writers' Room • Top Ten
April WOTM competition
(22 posts) (12 voices)
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Cracking finish to the month, with Chip taking the lead decisively, but with A.Mantra and nickb both acquitting themselves handsomely. Dom might be fourth, but his twenty tickeers is something to be proud of.
More on the blog (with all the links) and the 100+ tickers below.
Adrian Bamforth
Bees who feed off human tears to take over from Jeremy Kyle. More soon.
Joan Collins narrowly avoids a die-nasty. More soon
Remote abyss surrounded by stars sucking in all matter turns out to be EU flag. More soon.Al Opecia
New Bond film to be named ‘On Her Majesty’s Not So Secret Service’. More soon.
Paleontologists find stunning horde of Tory backbenchers in China. More soon
Paras finally apologise to Corbyn “we thought you were Jewish”. More soon.apepper
May confident that “useless + useless = useful”
May to have Brexit talks with Ethelred. More soon.
May to meet with Smiffy from Bash Street to try and resolve Brexit. More soonBeau-Jolly
Conservatives prepare to cast clouts. More later
Bonjonelson
‘If it weren’t for us, you’d all be speaking English properly,’ French President tells Trump. More soon.
Assange demands Theresa May negotiate his exit from the Ecuadorian Embassy. More soon.
UKIP to rename itself “Monster Raving Leaver Party”. More soon.Bookiesfriend
Soldiers fail to hit picture of Jeremy Corbyn as target was too far to the left
Chipchase
Extension Rebellion announces 5-year sponsorship deal with Loctite. More soon.
Mischievous misbehaving malevolent monitors mar Marr
World politics jumps the shark as Zelensky out-trumps Trump in landslide win. More soon.Chrisf
Biden – His Time? More soon.
Perfidious Albion face relegation six-pointer from League of Nations. More soon.
Rami Malek part in James Bond thought to be ‘a little silhouetto of a man’. More soon.Crayon
Christians condemn bombings – prefer terror threats of hellfire and damnation. More soon.
Police super-glue Chris Grayling to Marble Arch to reduce travel chaos. More soonDaviH
Primary school rearing pigs for slaughter – Head to get the chop!
Deceangli
Man feels benefit despite wearing coat indoors
Deskpilot3
Boeing innocent as plane crashes were caused by ‘gravity’
Tragic outcome after Isle of Wight tests new-fangled ‘bus’ technology. More soonDick Everyman
Anti-social fruit and vegetable merchant diagnosed with Asparagus Syndrome. More soon.
Faint oink heard coming from inside packet of scratchings. More soon
Historian questions whether Shakespeare’s London house was 2b or not 2b. More soon
Lamb Chop silenced under Shari law
Mueller to probe possible May collusion with Marxists. Much more later
Noises heard in cemetery are Ted Heath turning in his grave
Scots call for upkilting ban ‘a load of old bollocks’, says Sturgeon. More soon
UK asks ‘Are we there yet?’ More soon.Dominic_mcg
Being carried by police officers the most ecofriendly transport, says protester. More soon
Climate protesters die-in criticised as some of them were snoring. More soon.
Concern as world’s last remaining rhino-costumed marathon runner collapses.
Counterfeit Lego gang were bricking it, say Police. More soon.
Drinkwater didn’t. More soon.
Greta Thunberg has a big pile of burning tyres in her yard, says Farage. More soon.
Hairdresser of the Year live on Sky. BBC to show highlights only. More soon.
HMRC confirms any texts about tax rebates are definitely a scam. More soon.
Jacob Rees Mogg ‘swigging meths on a train’ photos may be fake. More soon.
MacKenzie Bezos livid after divorce settlement was left with a neighbour.
Mo Farah only 5th in London Marathon after police stop and search incident.
Panorama to investigate itself after journalist sacked unfairly. More soon.
Pig’s brain revived after death; David Cameron starts to panic. More soon
Sir David Attenborough 4 degrees hotter than he was in the 1970s, say experts.
Spurs claim white powder found in dressing rooms was Ajax. More soon.
Time travel travel agent just took customers to the Isle of Wight, court hears. More soon.
Trump administration investigates Tenzing Norgay over Hillary emails. More soon
Ukraine elects comedian as President. We’ve had one for years, says US. More soon.
University claims academics gagging for it. More soonDumbnews
Cruise ships now offering Eco-tours of damage done by cruise
Facebook launches ‘Unsee’ button. More soon.Gerontius
New Bond movie: Octogenarian Pussy. More soon.
Granger
Brexiteers find new slogan: ‘I’m backing Britain, over a cliff’. More soon
harrypalmer
Russia says spy equipment on whale was only for training & monitoring porpoises
It Is Him Again
Mueller report published on Thursday, may not remain buried over Easter weekend. More soon
MADJEZ
Extinction Rebellion paused as activists fly to Alps for Easter with parents.
Mick Turate
Time travel travel agents to take the UK back to the 1950s on 31 October. More soon
Newsbiscuit Editorial Team
Experts reckon election could be the end of May. More soon.
Newsdesk
‘If it weren’t for us, you’d all be speaking Russian,’ Trump tells the EU. More soon.
‘Leave means leave,’ says Nick Boles. More later
Boeing declares disaster as shares crash. More soon.
Commons’ library runs out of joke books following Ukraine election results. More soon.
Insurance loss-adjuster declares Notre Dame blaze an Act of God. More soonnickb
Gove PM BId charm offensive ‘offensive’.
Speaker accused of picking his noes in parliament
Wife blames husband for losing no blame divorce papers. More soonNot Amused
Queen has awkward conversation with Trump: ‘All rooms are booked that night’. More soon.
Oxbridge
Adele splits from husband; oh shit, says everyone. More soon
Guardiola admits Tottenham were the better team by VAR. More soonPaul L
Pope mobile to run on holy water thanks to innovative catholic converter. More soon.
UAE woman wakes from 27 year coma, takes a look around, goes back to coma. More soon.redben01
Morrissey ‘shocked’ to receive claim for 28 years of backdated royalties. More soon.
ron cawleyoni
Kiev to host this years Fringe Festival. More soon.
London football club changes name to Kristallnacht Palace. More soon.
New Bond movie…’Referendum..You Only Vote Twice’. More soon.
Norway finds ‘Russian spy whale’ off Arctic coast US respond by sending in SEALS
Pensioners over 75 glued to the telly in License fee protest.Scronnyglonkle
New Brexit date set to be extended to June 31st. More later
Smart Alex
Man arrested after being sent out for fresh box of Ferrero Rocher. More soon.
Sydalg
Pedant suffers heart attack putting PIN number into ATM machine
Solipsist Society “still has only one member after 20 years”. More soon.The Islander
Oxbridge win Men’s Boat Race for record 164th time. More soon
Titus
‘Populism is Bad’ say MPs as they form unpopular party. More soon.
Brexit Campaigners & Eco-Protesters contest credit for ‘glorious Easter weather’. More soon.
Cost Of 5G Network Described As Huawei Robbery
Parents demand homeopathic vaccinations using empty syringes. More soon.
Protesters occupy London Eye & Start Running, to generate renewable energy. More soon.Tonymc81
G4S driver who stole 1m awarded new Government transport contract by Chris Grayling. More soon.
Government ends knife crime. Stabbing now legal. More soon
I’ve been the victim of a smear campaign, claims polished turd. More soon
Most Brunei hotels only a stones throw from a local gay bar says Trivago. More later.
Throwing a piece of Lemon at Ariana Grande was just the thin edge of the wedge. More soon.
Tories agree Customs Union and Single Market, Corbyn gives May a Jar of Chutney. More later
Woman wakes from 58 year coma and asks, have Spurs won the league yet? More soon.Unfuli
Britain Proves It Can’t Govern Itself, Asks EU For Help And Guidance
Wrenfoe
Pupils upskirting, how low will they stoop? More soon.
YaBasta
Notre Dame ‘premature’ in announcing new pope. More soon
Posted 3 weeks ago # -
Congratulations to our prolific writers and to Throngsman for his labour of love compiling this.
Reading through the month's tickers is a treat. Also loved what i think was a typo - "Extension Rebellion". Get your anti-extension subs ready for the next time they have a protest
Posted 3 weeks ago # -
Congrats Chipchase .... mug ceremoniously removed from AMantra and deposited on your head ,...
Thanks to throngsman as always ...
Posted 3 weeks ago # -
Well done, Chipchase. I assume there’s an Olympic-style handover ceremony
Yes we meet at the Olympic Stadium with Techguy and you hand it over to me. Then I present it to the crowd waving it above my head in an awkward and self-conscious way like Boris did accepting the flag that time.
Well done everyone and thanks as always to TM for keeping tabs and spreadsheets.
Posted 3 weeks ago # -
Well blow me! I got on the board for once and, thanks to my low alphabetical moniker, not at the very bottom. Thanks Chip - I'd missed it. Ambition for May (the month not the PM) is to get on again.
Well done everyone - In the words of old Mr. Grace (or was it young Mr. Grace?) you've all done very well.
Posted 3 weeks ago # -
Well done Chipchase,
A never-ending glorious fountain of societal subversive perceptiveness and grumpy-old-man-ness, someone called Chipchase also volunteers unpaid work to write for Newsbiscuit for a bit of fun, and keeps nicking my ideas. (canned laughter) Mind you, I have nicked a few of his as well. (canned laughter)
I hope one day you finally catch up with the chip you have been chasing.
Until I saw these tables, I had no idea I had an FP.
Posted 3 weeks ago # -
Crayon, apologies, an excel formatting issue - nothing personal and I doubt you're the only person awarded incorrect number of points. In mitigation, along with my wife we've been caring for her ailing father since Christmas Eve and in fact had his funeral two days before compiling this month's WOTM data so I guess I may have taken my eye off the ball. I note that had you'd been correctly awarded the points you'd have been equal to Titus.
Your request is duly noted and I've removed you from the look up table.
Newsdesk - no.
Posted 3 weeks ago #
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