Russian man imprisoned for almost smiling
Kremlin Chief of Despair, Vladimir Krasnob, has been notified that a man in Petropavlovsk nearly broke into a beam. 'Our advanced early warning lip flicker prevention system detected a microscopic upward movement in one cheek,' explained Krasnob without a hint of charm. 'This is completely unacceptable. Such matters are taken very seriously. An unnamed area the size and shape of Russia is a strict no smirking zone. Joy of any kind is forbidden, and there is a zero tolerance p
Ministry of Truth seeks new recruits
In response to recent events, the government announced today that it was opening a new department, the Ministry of Truth. The ministry will ensure that the correct version of events, whatever that may be at a given time, is always the one people hear. ”Obviously we’re not talking about disappearing people,” said sinister functionary O’Brien, who is set to lead the new department following the unexplained disappearance of several rivals for the job. “Or even pretending they ne
God told us to sabotage French fridges, says Iran
"As the Islamic Republic of Iran," said a spokes-mullah for the regime, "our one purpose is to do God's will on Earth. "That's why, when He said 'Oh My people, wreck all those fridge cabinets in French supermarkets and give everyone listeria and what have you', we instantly obeyed. "I guess it's all part of His divine plan to make France the land flowing with sour milk and honey. God knows why He made us sabotage freezer cabinets. We're just obeying orders." https://pixabay.c
Trump really embracing the whole self-reflection thing
Taking full blame for the Mid-Term losses, the President said he would transcend human form – and that “sorry” was too small a word for what he was. He also forgave the Democrats, concluding that their dislike of him was simply the universe struggling to understand itself. Speaking from the Mount, Trump became so profoundly self-aware that every criticism of him was instantly answered with: “Yes. That too is me”. A spokeswoman said he intends to relinquish his ego completely,
'The Lady and the Trump' to be 2026's least-watched Xmas cartoon movie
'I can't understand why TV schedulers will only be transmitting our movie at 2 am,' said a spokesmouse for the Walt Disn'tney Corporation, 'because it's a heart-warming love story for the 2020s. 'You have the First Lady, Melania, who's a high-class, nose-in-the-air, top model pedigree bitch. The Trump is a no-class, lying, cheating, lowlife, flea-ridden, backstreet mutt. The Trump offers the First Lady (kennel name: Eva Braun) a fortune to marry him and make him seem someho
Farage searching for new thing to be wrong about
After Liz Truss's budget, the Ukraine war and the US midterms, Nigel Farage has started searching for the next big thing to be wrong about. 'First of all I tried setting up a think tank, but when your chief whip is Lee Anderson the 'think' part is a bit of a stretch so I'm asking around for what's bleeding obvious and then saying the opposite. Stephen Fry's a bit of an idiot isn't he?'
Trump ecstatic with small town airport being named after him
"Now I've got an honour that Obama and Sleepy Joe Biden haven't," bragged US President Donald Trump to reporters in the urinals of the newly named Trump International Airport in Nosedive, Indiana. "An airport named after me, me, me. Millions of people now are going to be starting their descent into Trump." Trump then unveiled plans to turn the airport's control tower into the Trump Control Tower Casino and the airport baggage hall into the Trump Congress. "I'll pass all the l
White House staffers inventing fake States to tell Trump he won them
In order to placate the tangerine tantrum thrower in chief, White House staffers have been inventing places and then claiming that the Republicans won there – thanks to Trump’s magnetism. 'Does Ballroomia sound like a real place?' squeaked one panicking White House staffer 'Irandiana? Oilhio? Dieselaware? North Corruption and South Corruption of course. How about Putinsylvania? Muskachusettes? Rhodeflecting Pool?' 'We’ll tell him that Melania has been elected as a Senator for
'Wiping my bum with The Daily Mail has turned me into a ranting xenophobe' claims Warwick man
A man who wiped his backside using squares cut from the Daily Mail claims he's become a ranting xenophobe as a result. Dave Phelps from Warwick said it started when a well-intentioned dinner party joke backfired next morning after he wiped his arse with the newspaper, having forgotten to switch it back to his Waitrose triple-ply super soft. 'But by then it was too late. I’d gone and wiped me bum with the Mail and within minutes I was slagging off my longtime best friend and n
Apologising for things other people did “really easy”, King confirms
As he nears the end of his tour of the Caribbean, which has seen pressure on him regarding Britain’s involvement in the slave trade, King Charles remarked to an aide how easy it is to apologise for things you didn’t do in the first place. ”It’s an absolute piece of piss,” remarked the monarch. “I can’t think why one didn’t do it years ago.' ”I mean, one’s basically saying that someone else - maybe even the person who had one’s job at the time - was a very bad hat who did some
