David Beckham has had his penis and testicles removed to prevent any new accusations of philandering. The celebrated footballer has been plagued by stories of extra marital affairs during his marriage to former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham, all of which have been strenuously denied. However, following recent false allegations of a threesome with a high-class escort, the England star had his penis and much discussed ‘Golden Balls’ removed in a three hour operation.
‘Whilst drastic,’ stated Beckham, ‘we think that it was best way halt the stream of accusations leveled at me; let’s be honest, women don’t exactly court me for my conversation. Plus, it’s the best way to tackle the increasing likelihood of Victoria removing them in non-sterile conditions.’
The surprise move caused a storm in the marketing world due to Beckham’s hefty portfolio which critically includes underwear. ‘David Beckham is one of our most marketable commodities,’ said a spokesperson from Calvin Klein. ‘How are we meant to sell tighty-whities if he doesn’t have a shlong?’
Yet, despite the emasculation of one of the worlds most sought after men, the Beckham brand is likely to live on as the operation was filmed and is to be serialized on E!, whilst several eminent art critics have suggested that the preserved remains could steal the Turner Prize should the Beckham's chosse to exhibit the crown jewels.
However, there have been questions raised as to whether Beckham can continue to play football professionally. Yet, whilst the move indefinitely precludes a return to Italy, staff at LA Galaxy have been delighted by Beckham’s displays and believe any effects are superficial. ‘Beckham performed with his usual verve and excitement when playing with the ball,’ according to Alexi Lalas, ‘apart from the fact he had to lie down more frequently than usual and didn’t seem as interested in chasing the referee.’
Victoria Beckham is said to be 'sad but relieved' at the procedure. 'I trust David, but then when people keep on saying stuff it just makes you wonder, doesn't it? And at least now when people ask him "Where have you been putting your cock?" We can just point to the shelf, right next to my music career.'