Public House giant J.D.Witherfork today rolled out a revolutionary hi-tech accessory for customers, which in trials has produced a 50% cut in incidents of alchoholism throughout their establishments.
'Think of them as hi-tech rose-tinted glasses' beams CEO Jimmy Witherfork at the press launch of the device in flagship public house 'The Slug & Pickled Walnut', Chingford.
'These 3D Beer Goggles enable the wearer to spend an evening in the pub surveying customers and bar staff in an amorous way, without having to be fuelled by copious amounts of alcohol. We estimate that the effect of the goggles is equivalent to drinking 5 pints of lager.'
'The benefit to the wearer is enormous. They can engage in coherent conversation with the object(s) of their desire, flirting and even 'pulling' them without the deletirious effects of intoxification - reeking of booze, slobbering and slurring of words, involuntary farting, incontinence and being incapable of uttering anything more cogent than 'You're lovely, you are.'' he says.
'The devices fit tightly around the wearers head - they need to be googles rather than glasses,' he adds, "so they don't accidently get knocked off during the evening. The shock of returning to reality could be traumatic, not to mention, immensely embarassing. We intend to lease them out for 24 hours so that the awful early next morning realisation on waking up to the actuality of what has occurred and what their 'partner' really looks like can be obviated. And no headache!" he enthuses.
Witherfork seems unconcerned with the possible downside for his business the googles could produce; profits from sales of alcoholic drinks may plummet accordingly by 50%.
'We figure that customers will look at the positive benefits, primarily their 'leg-over' success ratio that the goggles will bring, and consequently be prepared to pay a premium price for them. This will more than make up for the drink sales downturn. That...' he winks '...and the fact that we already charge them through the nose for fizzy lemonade and water. It's a win - win for all concerned!'