The dissident Irish Republican movement, the Real IRA, has announced an immediate end to all terrorist activities after an army council meeting failed to come up with an answer to its own question of 'who in their right mind would actually want to reunite with this piece of shoite.'
The move was welcomed by the Irish Government, although they insisted the situation in the ecomony wasn't that bad really and dismissed talk of state bancruptcy as the same old blarney as they posed at a press conference with clenched buttocks and rigid grins.
The Republic's 2 million taxpayers will now have to pay back the £34 billion that's been given to the banks - or £17,000 each - but Finance minister Brian Lenihan unveiled a string of measures aimed at tackling the deficit head on, including increasing exports of Riverdance, not winning Eurovision again for a while as it costs way too much, and encouraging tourism by asking Bono to stay in France for a while.
'And if that's not working well enough' he added, 'I'll be walking to the end of that there rainbow, where relibale sources assure me there's this fecking huge great crock of gold.'
