The government has introduced a new Equality Act, aimed at banning discrimination by employers and ensuring the unbroken tedium of working life is restored.
It will now be frowned upon for bosses to slap and pinch the bottoms of female workers, wink lasciviously at temps and mock lady colleagues with large chests. Under the new Act, disabled workers and older employees can also no longer be referred to as ‘wheelies’ and ‘dribblers’.
Equalities Minister Theresa May said: “This legislation is essential if workplaces are to become somewhere people tip-toe through, unable to say a word for fear of offending that big gay guy on reception.”
News of the Act has been greeted with dismay by balding, overweight male employers in their 40’s.
Ron Pember, who runs his own engineering design firm in Wolverhampton, said: “This is disastrous news for us. We have quite a few birds working here, a couple of kids who are a bit special needsy and an asian fella. Our daily routine pretty much revolves around uncalled-for-flirting, casual racism and outright abuse. This is an attack on the cultural foundations of the British workplace. I hope this doesn’t mean we have to stop ripping the piss out of those two Polish blokes as well?”
Under the new Act, anyone exhibiting language or behaviour that offends a colleague can raise a formal complaint.
Paul Plumber, a 26 year old advertising executive from County Durham, said: “I can’t believe it. I’ve been told I can no longer laugh along with a supplier or customer on the phone before replacing the handset, wiping the smile from my face and referring to them loudly as a wanker. Until now this has been the only thing stopping me from coming to work, putting a pistol in my mouth and cocking the hammer.”
The pay barrier discriminating against employees who were previously considered a bit shit, lazy or ugly will also be removed, so long as they make a sufficient song and dance about it.
“What about people like Helen, our deputy manager, who’s been off for a month with stress,” complained Mary Cook, an office manager from Birmingham, “she’s been seen in Summerfield and at the bingo, right as ninepence... but we’ve been told she is to be referred to as a valued colleague in a pressure-cooker role... and not a malingering cow.”
Theresa May added: “This new Act would not be necessary if workplaces weren’t crammed full of these insensitive bastards. Although, under the new Act we're no longer able to refer to them as such, and have to call them Visibly Unrecronstructed Employees.”