David Miliband has denied quitting front-line politics so that he can throw stuff at his younger brother from the back benches. Mr. Miliband announced his decision to retire from the shadow cabinet after his younger brother defeated him in the party’s leadership election. Mr. Miliband went on to strenuously deny that he had any resentment towards his brother:
‘There is a risk that if I were to remain in the shadow cabinet the party maybe destabilised by constant interrogation of our relationship. I hope and believe that Ed will lead this party into government once again, and don’t want to be the reason he is ripped to shreds by the media, painfully humiliated in future elections and forced to admit he was wrong to court the unions. Therefore, I absolutely refute any suggestion that I plan to disrupt proceedings from the back,” he said whilst apparently palming a pea-shooter to his wife.
‘I am also very excited about spending more time with my children and I am really looking forward to helping them develop and learn; I make brilliant paper aeroplanes and even better spit balls; I can’t wait to get some practice in.’
Outsiders remain sceptical, however, after several reports of frosty off-camera encounters between the brothers. According to one senior aide, David Miliband was forced to sit on the naughty step after stealing Ed’s packed lunch, putting salt in the new leader’s coffee and subjecting him to a particularly brutal onslaught of humming during a party briefing.
Senior party officials have also denied rumours that Ed Miliband has resorted to wearing an elastic school tie after David Miliband and Diane Abbot jumped him in a corridor at the Manchester Central conference centre, ‘wedgied’ him and pulled his tie so tight his mother had to cut it off.
Yet, whilst no-one from within the party has been able to quell suggestions that the David may attempt to stir discontent amongst the old-New Labour contingent, Ed Miliband himself has reached out to his brother saying ‘My door is always open for him. Or at least it will be until he starts doing what he is told and stops calling Harriet Harmon a “fat slag.”