The People's Republic of China, the largest and richest nation in the world and one of its pre-eminent military powers, has shat its collective pants following the discovery the British navy includes at least one fairly large boat.
"Looking back, I suppose the signs were there all along," said Foreign Minister Noh Fu-Qing Wei today. "A small island that once had a huge overseas empire... yes, we should have put two and two together, I see that now."
"But it's easy to be wise after the event. Nothing could have prepared us for the shock of waking up seeing that British aircraft carrier in the South China Sea this morning. We'd better re-examine our recent actions carefully to see what might have provoked the mighty Gavin Williamson, and make sure we don't do it again."
Asked whether the boat was visible from the Chinese mainland, Mr Wei admitted he'd actually seen it from a Chinese spy satellite – and not in the South China Sea, but as it was leaving Portsmouth a month before.
"Anyway, Cedric Diggory was on TV telling us he was going to launch it a week before he did. Still, very scary though. Well done him."