Commonwealth Games Opening and Closing Ceremonies combined to save everyone the bother.
There was immense relief last night when it was confirmed that the Commonwealth Games was be shortened to simply consist of a spectacular Opening Ceremony followed immediately by the Closing Ceremony.
Organisers decided to pull the plug within hours of the electricity supply being connected, citing concerns that firstly the competitors accommodation at the Games village may not stay standing for more than a few more days and secondly the short attention span of the trained monkey security guards which become distracted and agitated whenever an athlete eats a banana during training.
Between the opening and closing ceremonies, after the Commonwealth’s finest have proudly marched around the potholed running track, the athletes will be allowed to jog around the site in a token gesture to mark the token Games. Then Prince Charles, representing the Queen as head of the Commonwealth, will declare the Games open, and closed.
A spokesman for the BBC in Delhi said that the Corporation was not too disappointed at the decision. ‘Surprisingly, a lot of our key presenters had made themselves unavailable following an exhausting schedule partying it up at the World Cup in June, so were weren’t planning on going big on the Games this year.’ He added, ‘We have already filmed a few standard Slumdog Millionaire comparison pieces for Children in Need so we’re just planning to leave a news reporter here, just in case the stadium collapses and leave to filming to tourists and pick the footage off You Tube. If all else fails, we can always show the Haiti earthquake scenes again. No one will be any the wiser.’
At a press conference held in his native Wellington, Chief Executive Officer of the Commonwealth Games Federation Mike Hooper denied reports that he has been reluctant to stay in Delhi for the originally planned eleven days of competition, saying ‘although a three day return ticket Air New Zealand return ticket had been purchased for me, this was clearly a mistake as I had always intended to find an excuse not to go. Like most of the decent athletes.’