Britain’s prostitution industry has been shaken to its knees by the news that an injured Wayne Rooney is expected to be out of action for three weeks. Rooney allegedly used the services of a number of escorts during the World Cup in South Africa, the publicity of which lead to a uncontrollable surge in the value of shares in the worlds oldest profession.
However, news of Rooney’s untimely and unexpected withdrawal has shattered any illusions that prostitution might be in recovery after surmounting the hump of the recession. Worst fears were confirmed last night when the industry’s ‘stocking exchange’ struggled to maintain the desired rates of inflation and finished-off weakly. As a result, financial analists are predicting a long period of tension and frustration due to an impotent market and massive blow-job losses.
‘Prostitution traditionally thrives irrespective of the prevailing economic trend,’ according to the Institute of Fiscal Studies. ‘This is due mainly to the proliferation of flexible horizontally-integrated bodies which are able to tighten up in all the right places, survive a good going over from the big boys and almost always come out on top.’
However, it seems that as a result of the injury to Rooney, as well as David Beckham’s recent decision to very publicly distance himself from prostitution, the industry has been caught with its knickers down and horribly exposed.
‘As an industry prostitution has survived because of public investment and appeal across the economic spectrum that has never shown signs of waning. As a result, the majority or brothels have not made provision for barren spells and dry patches; being balls-deep with no protection is bound to land you in a spot of bother once you spent your reserves.’
Prostitution in England now faces a very difficult few months and the government is under increasing pressure to step in as the previous government did during the banking crisis or 2009, particularly from the House of Lords and the Liberal Democrats. However, the government is likely to wait until the last second before making a decision on whether to push ahead or pull out.
‘We would deeply like to prevent one of Britain’s oldest and most traditional industries from going down,’ said Prime Minister David Cameron, ‘but we have to way the pros and cons against one another. For a government to holds its people’s hands is one thing, but perhaps we have to draw a line at holding their balls. Unless they’re blue.’