Following massive criticism of the fishing industry in recent years, John West today officially announced the new certification of all of their tinned tuna products as being particularly harmful to the much-reviled arsefish. The certification, provided by the World Life group, will appear on tins as a new logo near the ingredients list and will be available on supermarket shelves by Monday.
The arsefish, or Tursiops Fuckinel-Lukathstateadat (named in part after noted marine biologist Terence Fuckinel) is a fish approximately the size of an uncommonly large child, and is covered in pustulent boils and the white stuff you guess must be the lining of your mouth that sometimes comes off and you notice it on your lip and pull it off and it sticks to your finger. Its face is said to resemble that of a fact that everyone is trying hard to forget.
"We hate arsefish!" says campaigner Marie Greenwood. "They are unpleasant to look at, ruin marriages, corrupt our children and are unpleasant to look at. Our methods of tuna fishing have done too little harm to these abhorrent animals, and something must be done to nudge them towards extinction." Such a fishing method exists; in 1956 noted fishing industrialist Harold Freeman created a new type of fishing net, the 'razor-snare fin-slice', which is made in part of serrated blades which tuna are too small to fit through, leaving them safe and sound and ready for the imminent mincing process, but which horribly mutilate arsefish, causing deep slash wounds and enormous blood loss. And if John West's announcement is anything to go by, manufacturers are sitting up and paying attention to where their customers' sentimentalities lie.
Any good? I was eating some tuna...