Five-star Amazon rating = My father-in-law was pleased to receive a gift from me
One-star Amazon rating = My father-in-law's gift arrived after Boxing Day
Quick links: NewsBiscuit Home • Chat Room • Writers' Room • Top Ten
Dictionary Of Weasel Words
(38 posts) (14 voices)
-
A slightly specialised area, but in respect of Landlords' References regarding tenants (and it has taken me a long while to learn these the hard way):
- 'his rent is full paid up-to-date, he has been a good neighbour and he left the flat in good order' = he has, at long last, just managed pay off his massive rent arrears
- 'he has been a good neighbour and he left the flat in good order' = he owes £thousands in rent arrears
- 'His rent has always been paid promptly and in full and he has been a good neighbour' = he left the flat like a tip and lots of items - like the cooker, all the lamp-bulbs, curtains & carpets and the bath - are still missing
- 'His rent has always been paid promptly and in full and he left the flat in good order' = he used to piss off all his neighbours by regularly coming home, completely pissed, at 3:00am with a load of his mates who then proceeded repeatedly to throw beer cans out of the window whilst playing heavy rock music at full volume continuously until daybreak
- 'He has been an excellent tenant in every respect and I have no hesitation in recommending him to you' [I'm pleased to say, by far the most usual situation] = yeah, actually, he's OK
(It might be interesting to read what tenants might say about their landlords, if landlords were obliged to supply references to would-be tenants!)
Posted 3 weeks ago # -
It might be interesting to read what tenants might say about their landlords
“This property benefits from electric heating” = bring an overcoat, several duvets, and a sackful of money for the electricity bills.
“Recently redecorated throughout” = everything’s beige.
“Back on the market at a reduced rent” = the neighbours are a heavy metal rock band.
"Close to shops" = it's above an off-licence.
“Less than two minutes’ walk from a railway station” = it’s stunningly overpriced.
“Long-term let” = the landlord can’t change his mind for at least two months.
“Use of garden” = you’re responsible for making the property look attractive to the next tenant.
“Fully fitted kitchen” = you’ll have to pay for storage of a broken-down fridge and a Baby Belling cooker.
"Deposit required" = stepping inside will cost you several hundred pounds.
"Attractive location" = it's been burgled at least monthly for the past ten years.
"Rural location" = broadband speed below 2KB per hour.
“Well-served by local transport” = you can walk to the bus stop.
"Easy access to schools and colleges" = it's on the UK mainland.
"References required" = the landlord will charge you £150.00 for an £8.00 Equifax search.
"For immediate occupation" = the landlord has already evicted the previous tenant.
Posted 3 weeks ago # -
Nd: like it!
However:
“Recently redecorated throughout” = everything’s beige.
Guilty as charged! And for an obvious good reason: some prospective tenants will regard anything else as hideous and as utterly repulsive, with as much passion, as others will be delighted. If you want strong colours and 'character', brighten the place by bringing your own items and make it your distinctive home.
Posted 3 weeks ago #
Reply
You must log in to post.