In a welcome boost for the British economy, it has been announced that 35% more urine has been exported overseas compared to this time twelve months ago.
The surprise success of the previously small-scale operation indicates a dramatic increase in the number of countries now taking the piss out of Britain. Whereas Britain was once a net importer of urine, it is now one of the biggest exporters, behind the US and North Korea.
Leading economist, Professor Margaret Bainbridge-Baxter, said, ‘It used to be the case that we would take the piss out of other countries far more than they took the piss out of us. At one time, urine was by far the biggest export of Ireland, even bigger than Guinness and violent tramps. These days, they are more likely to take the piss out of us. And since the onslaught of political correctness gone mad, we have found it increasingly difficult to take the piss out of India, Pakistan, Nigeria and other former colonies, yet they have no such problems in return. While it might not do much for our self-esteem, it is making an increasingly valuable contribution to our economy.’
Urine has also become more popular due to its use in Michelin-starred restaurants as a dressing or accompaniment to a meal. The innovator leading the adoption of urine as a condiment is world-famous chef, Hogan Emmental, from the Pudgy Marsh Warbler in Frome, Somerset.
Mr Emmental explained, ‘I had the inspiration for covering my food in urine about a year ago. The Health Inspector closed my restaurant due to an unfortunate outbreak of the Ebola virus. He said to me as he locked the door and threw away the key, “I’m sorry to piss on your chips, Mr Emmental, but this has to be done.”
‘That got me thinking, what would it be like to actually piss on my chips? I went into the lab, cooked myself some chips and did a wee on them. I have to say the taste was vile – I had just finished a Peperami - yet there was something intriguing about the urine-sodden snacks that gave me encouragement.
‘Over the next few weeks I experimented with a variety of foods to see how they might affect the taste of the wee. Eventually, thanks to a diet of beetroot, pineapple and Marmite, I landed on the perfect concoction. I now have a Somali family catheterised in my shed, producing litres of the stuff a day.’
Urine has had a long history in cuisine, from sailors drinking it on long overseas voyages, to its popularity in the 60s and 70s within the acting fraternity. Hippy chicks like Sarah Miles were known to drink it for its alleged health-boosting effects, while Ollie Reed and Richard Harris preferred theirs because it had a higher alcohol content than anything commercially available.