Senior Jewish conspirators from across the globe are convening at a secret location in Los Angeles this week to further their ongoing schemes. High on the agenda, second only to the continued occupation of Palestine according to some accounts, will be further plans to destroy the acting career of Hollywood great Mel Gibson.
In recent years, insidious Zionist plotters have been tormenting the legendary actor at every turn. First, bartenders all over Hollywood were bribed to spike his drinks in the hope of leading him to drive badly. Then, an attractive but high maintenance Russian woman was employed to lull him into a relationship that would put him under moderate psychological pressure.
'It's been touch and go at times,' said Dov Scherzer, the entertainment lawyer who now heads the International Jewish Conspiracy after the retirement last year of New York dentist Hyam Fishberg. 'Foolishly, we let a Jewish officer arrest him for drunk driving and when he blurted out that Jews were responsible for all the wars in the world, we thought we were rumbled.'
'Happily, there was a female seargent on duty when they got to the station, he called her 'sugartits' and we could breathe easily again. The silly bugger even apologised for the whole thing the next day. What a klutz.'
Scherzer stressed that, contrary to internet speculation, the International Jewish Conspiracy had not targeted Gibson for his devout Catholicism. 'Catholic, schmatholic - we just wanted to get an A-lister. I personally was in favour of ruining Ben Affleck's career, but then I watched Pearl Harbor and realised he didn't need our help.'
With the help of several suborned whisky manufacturers leading him to make racist comments in a rant against his ex-girlfriend, Gibson stands on the edge of ruin. The meeting will now decide whether to manipulate him into doing Lethal Weapon 5 or to contrive a financial scandal to finally push him over the edge.
'Sometimes I feel we are setting our sights too low,' admitted Scherzer. 'I mean, he's just an actor after all. OK, eating Christian babies is a bit OTT but our grandparents' generation managed to manipulate both international capitalism AND international socialism at the same time to ruin every country in Europe and America. Admittedly it all went a bit wrong for them in the end...'