David Cameron has risked the wrath of his own Party by deciding to relocate the Houses of Parliament to the North of England.
In what many are calling a ‘landmark decision’, the historic Palace of Westminster will be sold off to help address the UK’s massive debt. The Houses of Parliament will then head north by 2011, with Manchester the favoured destination.
The news was revealed last night on YouTube, where Mr Cameron appeared with a flat cap and a feeble Yorkshire accent, eating chips in a brown gloop resembling gravy while a Rottweiler gently mauled his newborn daughter, Florence: ‘No-one has a greater affinity with the North than me. I look forward to being closer to the BBC, erm, the hard-working, erm, people of Manchester, in the near future.’
Mr Cameron believes the move makes economic sense. He continued: ‘Property in the centre of London is at a premium and I should know, I own most of it. We have a very interesting bid on the table from the Qatari Royal Family, who I am sure would produce a memorable and sympathetic design for developing the site.’
The Prime Minister can expect a backlash from MPs and peers within the Conservative Party, many of whom do not even know where the North is. One confused backbencher, who asked not to be named, said, ‘I know it is ‘up’ on a map, but beyond that the North could be anywhere. I think it’s near Scotland but don’t quote me on that.’
In a leaked internal memo, Mr Cameron has sought to head off some of the criticism: ‘I realise this move will be unpopular, but what is the role of Government if not to be unpopular? I ask you to think of the benefits, or as we call them, expenses. Since the scandal, it has been difficult for many of you to claim a mortgage on two London homes. Relocating Parliament hundreds of miles from your constituency opens up a whole new world of possibilities. Not only that, the cheaper cost of living and complete lack of anything to do will make you, in real terms, much better off.’
Despite the news that Parliament may move into a Labour heartland, the decision has predictably been met with opposition from the Opposition. Leadership candidate and MP for Leigh, Andy Burnham, said, ‘Decisions related to Parliament should not be politically motivated, as this one clearly is. Having hundreds of very rich people move to the North will inevitably increase the prosperity of the region. The Labour Party is all for the redistribution of wealth, but not when it’s the Tories doing it. The next thing you know, our traditional supporters will start voting Conservative. We may never enter Government again.’
Meanwhile, regional BNP leader, Carl ‘The Snarl’ Henderson, said, ‘Bloody toffs coming up here, taking our votes, and our jobs. Send the buggers back!’
A decision has not yet been made on the new location, but Mr Cameron is clear on the sort of building he is looking for: ‘We want somewhere that reflects the Parliament brand, the people in it and the things we do.’
The Governor of HMP Strangeways has confirmed that the prison is categorically not for sale.