The prophet Mohammed, the light-giving lamp and praiseworthy messenger of God, has revealed the real reason why images of the founder of Islam are generally forbidden under Islamic law: they generally 'make me look a right bloater.'
In an exclusive interview with Take a Break magazine, Mohammed admitted that, although ostensibly created to discourage idolatry, the supplemental hadiths of the Qur'an that prohibit Muslims from making visual depictions of himself were actually due to the prophet's self-image issues. 'I'm just one of those people who isn't comfortable having his picture taken - I always come out looking dumpy in these robes and despite how holy I try to look, my enigmatic expression usually end up appearing cross-eyed and constipated.'
Many believe that Mohammed has been forced to come out in public and make this confession after a series of ancient clay tablets, believed to contain an early draft of the Qur'an, were discovered in a remote cave in Southern Iraq. 'Tablet B contains some very interesting insights into the prophet's thought processes,' said Professor Herbert Wilkins of Harvard University. 'For example, here we see the earliest reference to the prohibition of the graven image: '...and thus do I cast down the engraver who doth make me seem too large in profile, for I will suffer no exaggeration of mine girth. Look, I'm just big-boned okay?'
However, many Islamic scholars have defended their prophet's remarks, seeing his reticence to allow any reproduction of his form as a unique component of their religion. 'It is only right that such an awe-inspiring figure remain un-sketched,' claimed Mustafa Kamel el-Faisal, Imam of Finsbury Mosque. 'It's alright for the rest of you - Jesus was as thin as a rake and Buddha obviously couldn't give a toss how he looked, but any self-respecting prophet has to take his appearance seriously - no fat, no fatwa - know what I mean?'
While some visual depictions of the prophet symbolically represent him as a flame, Mohammed admits that even this portrayal is problematic, given Islam's current reputation among some for firebrand fundamentalism. 'Since that article came out, other religious figureheads have been looking at me, you know, a bit funny. What I need is a new image to represent what I stand for - to illustrate that what I have to say encompasses all creeds and colours whilst maintaining my reputation as a man's man. I'm thinking perhaps a crossed-over band or maybe a rainbow flag.'