The latest instalment of the ever-popular series in which four sociopaths host a dinner party has ended in predictably grisly circumstances.
The first night was hosted by Rose West. As her house in Cromwell Street was undergoing extensive remodelling, she held her dinner party in a flat rented from Christopher Biggins. Dennis Nilsen arrived first, resplendent in a tartan tie, which seemed to have a few spots of tomato ketchup on it. Next through the door was Yorkshire Ripper, Peter Sutcliffe, followed by notorious cannibal, Jeffrey Dahmer.
Having cooked for many, many children over the years, Rose was confident that her food would go down well with her fellow murderers. She was not disappointed. Peter and Dennis both tucked in, comparing Rose’s cooking favourably with the fare on offer at Her Majesty’s Pleasure. Only Jeffrey seemed underwhelmed, describing it as ‘bland’.
At the end of the evening, Rose was apparently walking to her own house when she was hit over the head with a blunt instrument, probably a hammer. Eyewitnesses saw a swarthy man with a neat beard and a scar across his face fleeing the scene.
The next night was hosted by Jeffrey Dahmer. The meal was severely delayed when CDWM’s sarcastic voiceover man failed to show up, having last been seen sharing a taxi with Dahmer on the way back from Rose’s night. After a lengthy search, the voiceover was eventually abandoned for the evening and Jeffrey was able to serve his food. Sadly it did not go down well. Jeffrey scored badly for his main course of ‘Lamb in a sort of red liquid’, with Peter and Dennis both saying it tasted more like chicken. His entertainment for the evening was much more popular, when his old friend, John Wayne Gacy, turned up as Pogo the Clown. Dennis left early to clean his bathroom ahead of his night, leaving Peter and Jeffrey to enjoy themselves.
On the third night, only Jeffrey showed up at Dennis’s house. The two men had a great time, getting paralytic on Famous Grouse and sharing a laugh over the Saw box set. The only sign of trouble was Dennis’ tie, which was clearly giving him trouble as he constantly fiddled with it. At the end of the evening, things turned sour. Time and again as Jeffrey went to leave, Dennis would beg him not to, and pour him another glass of whisky. Eventually, the American passed out, and Dennis took him to the bathroom to sleep it off, under eighteen inches of water.
On the final night, scheduled to be Peter’s evening, no-one turned up, not even Peter, and the only contestant to be found was Nilsen, who was seen in an open-necked shirt, hosing down his drains, singing ‘One is the Loneliest Number’.
Final results: Rose West – Dead; Jeffrey Dahmer – Dead; Peter Sutcliffe – Missing, presumed eaten; Dennis Nilsen – 1 (life sentence)