After months of negotiation between the onion and non-onion factions, the Labour Party has finally adopted an official policy on gefilte fish. Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell hailed the decision as 'major progress'.
He told an eight hour long conference: 'At a time when we have major threats from Brexit, global warming, austerity and an attack on employment rights, it was only right that we should spend most of our energies on the gefilte fish question. That is the democratic way, especially as we face further conflagration in the middle east, the uncertainty of a Trump presidency, strategic challenges from Russia, and a genuine threat to online security worldwide, not to mention the economic instability posed by China's changing status. Now we can get on with challenging the Tories on homelessness and the NHS.
However, some caution was introduced by Jeremy Corbyn's introduction of a new policy on chopped liver, outlined in a 20 page document that the NEC promised it would report on in 6-12 months time.
But loyalists were warned that their views on hard boiled egg in the traditional hors d'ouevre could trigger their deselection. Activists then staged a mass walk out pointing out that 'hors d'ouevre' was culturally inappropriate as a way of describing the dish and that the correct term is 'vorspeis'.
In a separate development chefs Jamie Oliver and Levi Roots agreed to settle their differences over chicken recipes on a one off TV show called The Great British Jerk Off. Oliver told the Radio Times 'We'll be cooking a lot of chicken outdoors and punters can get a taste on a 'first come first served' basis.