In fulfilment of the hopes and dreams of their founder, Robert Stephenson Smyth Baden-Powell, the Scouts, Guides and their affiliated groups have finally risen to the challenges of the era and taken on their rightful roles as saviours of the British Empire.
Baden-Powell's youth paramilitaries have until recently been known more for their skills at lighting fires, camping and smoking behind Akela's back than for an aggressive stance towards lesser peoples, but Baden-Powell, whose aim was to train the young to lead the Empire to ever greater heights, would surely be proud of them if he could see them now.
Scouts and Guides have entered parliament, thrown out the 'Lily-livered' Tory-Liberal coalition and installed an aristocratic/scouting/military junta led by the Duke of Edinburgh. "I'm thrilled we can finally have a go at those savages," said the Duke. "They've had it coming for a while I can tell you. Better late than never and all that."
A spokesboy for the Scouts confirmed that "The time for political correctness is over. It's time to thrash the brown-skinned johnnies until they beg for mercy." He then raised the Union Jack, saluted the flag and forced the assembled journalists to pledge allegiance to the Queen. The Queen is said to be 'delighted' with the turn of events, though insiders say she privately considers pledges of allegiance from journalists to be somewhat beneath promises by estate agents.
The army, all of whose senior commanders have now been replaced by competent Scout Sixers, is already preparing to re-enter many of the African colonies. Plans are afoot to take back India, the jewel in the imperial crown, but such a labour-intensive undertaking takes preparation, says Girl Guide, Teresa Thompson. "We plan an aggressive recruitment drive, mostly on council estates. We'll whip the hoodies and chavs into shape and make them a prime colonial expeditionary force in no time using Baden-Powell's time-honoured principles as laid out in Scouting For Boys: clean living, knot-tying, tracking wild animals and curtailing your masturbatory activities. Really, he wrote about the evils of masturbation in Scouting For Boys. Little-known fact."
When asked how they intended to deal with the war in Afghanistan a spokesman for the new Scouting Junta said, "We'll get the blinking blazes out of there I should say, and pretty damn sharpish. Haven't you lot read any history? If not, we'll be introducing a new 'History of the Empire' badge next week. It will be compulsory - this is an Empire, not a democracy. Now, when did you last polish your shoes, and where the dickens is your woggle?"