Talks between priests and the Catholic church have broken down into acrimony tonight, with priests 'furious' over the proposed ban on buggering choirboys and touching up pre-pubescent girls.
The Pope said that the changes to working practices were simply bringing the church into line with private schools and care homes, where paedophilia could no longer be offered as part of the package used to attract staff.
Many priest do not agree with the new approach. 'It's always been part of our working practices,' said one long-serving priest. 'We're not allowed to get married, and we have to pretend that we don't have a sex drive. So, since time immemorial we've been allowed to shag kids instead. Compared to the other deceptions, injustices and systematic fabrications we indulge in on a regular basis, it's really not so serious. It's not like we're claiming the Sun goes round the Earth or anything.'