Scientists at the New Energies Agency today announced a breakthrough in an as-yet untapped source of power, Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson.
The grumbly curmudgeon’s constantly rotating lower jawbone could be used to provide the annual energy needs of an area the size of Lincolnshire, according to a spokeswoman for the Agency.
“The centrifugal motion is triggered by a concentrated supply of Haggis-flavoured Wrigley’s Extra” confirms Sheila Fogerty. “This in turn is exacerbated by the sight of a number of overpaid, arrogant actors performing dives in series. Added together we have what is basically an entirely new power source, a constantly rotating chin assembly which, if appropriately harnessed, could solve many of the world’s energy problems.”
Other experts disagree. “This is not the panacea we all hoped it would be” said Brian Williams, a senior lecturer in energy technologies at Bristol University. “The Ferguson model sadly demonstrates many of the problems we have found with other technologies, principally the noise, the noxious emissions and the fact that the basic model is stunningly unappealing to look at. A survey showed that only 3% of consumers would be happy to have an Alex Ferguson Farm built in their town.”
The search for football-related power technologies has been at the cutting edge of scientific research ever since Eric Cantona demonstrated how a flying kick could, in theory, jump-start a perpetual motion machine.
Problems with the Fergie unit have not held up even more innovative ideas at the New Energies Agency, however, with leaked reports suggesting that David Beckham has agreed to have a prototype solar panel attached to his arse.