Britain's best loved spiritual advisor, Gok Wan, blew his cover as "Pope" amidst leaked plans to "Beautify Carnidal Newman", to help him "look good naked."
Gok was called to restore the body-confidence of The Cardinal, who has not looked his best recently. At the joyful moment of the Cardinal's conversion, from shy frump to a voluptuous shopping mall streaker, their sisterly hug knocked Gok's "Clark Kent" glasses to the floor, and Newman recognised the Pontif-impersonator's true identity.
"I should have realised earlier," confessed Newman, now sporting bang-on-trend hipster meggings, "you never see them both in the same room, they wear the oddest fashions, and have you seen the shoes...? It was staring us in the face all along!"
His Holiness the Gok admits "Yes, the gay-hating old guy who never shows off his peachy little butt was the perfect cover. I thought I'd be discovered pretty fast. It's a miracle, really... makes you think..."
"The perks were huge... as "Mr P" I can go beyond fashion, and wear anything - hats, gold, dresses, anything - AND I get an audience of millions - why d'you think I walk so slowly through crowds? And then there's my "pimpmobile" - I tell you, girlfriend, I thought "am I gonna look good in this!" And I did.
Maximising on the publicity, the "GokZinger" collection of classic devotional transvestite daywear goes on sale across Britain next week. Rival fashionista mooses Trinny and Suzanna confessed "Gok's collection is hard to fault. In fact it's infallible!"
A Vatican spokesman stated "We're chuffed with "Operation Ratzinger" - he was really a marketing stunt, inspired by a villain from the cartoon "Biker Mice from Mars". After "Ratzinger", of course, our radical rebranding in the global faith-and-fashion market under Gok will be welcomed with open arms. We had secretly planned to take Catholicism into the the new millennium, and combine the two most powerful forces in the world - Faith and Ego - We're calling it "ChristiVanity".