A bountiful second year English student from Streatham can afford a little more than beans on toast after she sensationally revealed her assets at an impromptu press conference last night.
Carly Stretch, 20, was casually confiding in one of her regulars when the conversation was overheard by ten or twelve of Fleet Street’s finest, who happened to be in her Battersea club, The Dogs of Phwoar, in the hope of uncovering Britain’s next tabloid darling.
The regular, who wished to remain nameless but was identified locally as a Mr C Eastwood, said, ‘I likes it when they talks dirty, see. I likes to hear about the most disgusting, depraved acts known to man. So there she was, waxing lyrical about bankers’ bonuses and just as she started getting me hot under the collar over politicians’ expenses, it slipped out. About her earnings I mean.’
In the course of her mauling at the hands of the slavering press pack, Miss Stretch revealed that through stripping, she earns on average £1500 a night or £390,000 a year – more than twice as much as the Prime Minister.
A sheepish David Cameron gave the following statement: ‘In my defence, I generally take to the stage in the small hours of the morning after a long day in Parliament, when I confess I may not always look or dance my best. And of course, I have certain moral obligations to my country, and to my Government. When I took this job, I categorically promised the nation that there would be no splits in this coalition, and I firmly believe the lack of a show-stopping finale is harming my act.’
Miss Stretch, by her own account, has no such worries. When asked to what she attributed her phenomenal success, she had this to say: ‘Erm… I dunno really. Erm… it might be my impressions. Basically, right, at the end of my show, I contort my tuppence to look like famous celebrities. I do ‘em all – Gordon Ramsay, Ricky Gervais, Dominic Littlewood (if I’ve had the Ladyshave out). I mean, it don’t look that much like ‘em but I just thought, well, they’re all c*nts ain’t they?’
For the latest pics of Miss Stretch in action, see p7 of the Daily Star, p9 of the Sun and pp1-2 & 4-7 of the Daily Telegraph[i]