As their chainsaws move towards the welfare system once more, Cameron and Clegg, head of the cabal of cannibals currently starring in the nationally broadcast franchise 'The Whitehall Chainsaw Massacre' have been accused of betraying one of the key principles of slasher films by using insufficient fake blood. There has, say horror fans, been a noticeable lack of lurid red liquid splashing up the walls as the coalition carve up the public sector to be eaten by their voracious friends and family members.
"It's a pretty good horror franchise in general," said one fan. "It's got the initially friendly killers dropping their masks to reveal their true agenda. It's got the discovery of the corpses of previous victims like the railways. It's got the people with the machine tools, or machinery of government, feasting on the innocent. It's got the suspense as you wonder which part of the public sector is going to get it in the neck next. All we ask is that every televised announcement of further cuts be drowned in oceans of fake blood."
Most commentators agree that "The Whitehall Chainsaw Massacre" could get more viewers. "Everyone senses there's something wrong with a horror franchise without blood," says George Terence of the University of London. "Senseless slaughter for kicks just lacks punch if you can't get that satisfaction, almost cathartic, of a spectacular fountain of blood at the moment the postal service dies. The government is claiming it is 'making savings' by cutting the fake blood budget, but it can still afford an - admittedly wonderfully sinister - walk-on part for the Pope, so it rings a bit hollow."
George Osborne responded to criticisms by saying, "We promised you chainsaws. We give you chainsaws. We promised you an endless string of victims. We give you an endless string of victims. We promised you we would feast on your lifeless corpses. We feast on your lifeless corpses. Now stop whining and enjoy the ride." Osborne, who wore a 'Leatherface' mask for the duration of the press conference in an attempt to 'lighten the mood', refused to reveal how the horror franchise will end. "Here's a clue though," he said. "It's horror. There are no true happy endings in horror. Yes, we're economising on fake blood but you can't break all the rules at once - or not if you want to make money. And we do, very much."