Today, astrophysicists at the University of South Ely announce that they have discovered the first conclusive evidence of the existence of a Dark Matter.
Following extensive re-analysis and interpretation of data collected by NASA in association with the University of Sheffield, Dr James Johnson was understandably surprised to observe this result.
Dr Johnson and his team noted inconsistencies with existing reports concerning Dark Matter, and applied a novel mathematical model to all the available data. He noted that the Dark Matter emitted a 5th type of force, which he appropriately named the "Dark Force". This causes the Dark Matter to be distributed at the micron level in very tight clumps, which he chose to call "midi-chlorians", and these exhibit the appearance of lifeforms. These are able to communicate across vast distances.
Furthermore, these midi-chlorians were traced to have further structure, and concentrated in certain locations. At the time of writing, a source has been identified in Edinburgh, which suddenly disappeared. However, a second source has now appeared in central London. A third, very small source is found at Sedgefield. A much more substantial source appears to be emitting Dark Force from further away, possibly in central Italy.
Dr Johnson has speculated that his research may be uncovering more than just the missing matter in the universe, possibly the nature of a Supreme Being.
Though this research is recent, the announcement was timed to coincide with the visit by the Pope to the UK. After all, it was the Vatican that sponsored the research.
Sadly, Dr Johnson was unavailable for further comment, appearing to have been strangled in mysterious circumstances.
[complementary to fabulous Emperor's Theme story ... I'm slightly miffed about being called a Nazi. Improvements to story welcome, or someone can build further on the theme]