At a glitzy press event today in Bournemouth conference centre, the first upgrade to Prime Minister David Cameron was announced by Conservative spokesman William Hague.
'Wow what a great year it's been for the Conservative party', Hague announced to the 600 eagerly assembled journalists. 'But we've got a surprise for you! You're all familiar with prime minister David Cameron - it's a great prime minister - but we've done one better... ladies and gentlemen, it's Cameron 2.0!'
The sound of 'Vertigo' by U2 then rang through the conference centre as a new model Cameron was wheeled out to a flashy light display and standing ovation from the crowd. 'We thought to ourselves, how can we improve on perfection? With 100 years of cutting edge Tory party innovation, that's how!'
'But seriously,' Hague continued, 'we've gone and got a whole bunch of new features to make Cameron 2.0 not only more lifelike, but more sympathetic, funnier, better looking, lighter and more energy efficient than last year.'
'Throw away the old David Cameron folks... this one is simply incredible.' Hague then turned to the new model Cameron and waved his hands over its head. 'Look – say goodbye to cables!'
'This one is going to change politics forever. Ok, so you're talking to old David Cameron, and he doesn't know who you are, Paul from Blackpool, whoever. Well not anymore... iris recognition, that's right!' The audience then burst into a spontaneous standing ovation.
'Get this – we've also got some great improvements to its docking station. You guessed it, 'Samantha Cameron' is getting an upgrade too! How about that?!'
'Ok so, we listened to the focused groups. Everyone said that Cameron Classic – whilst being a great prime minister – was too wishy washy. One minute he's all 'hug a hoodie' the next he's all 'murder benefit frauds'. No one knew what he really stood for. Well Cameron 2.0, it's just like Web 2.0 – it's all about YOU.' Hague then posed for a minute and soaked up the applause of the journalists.
'With Cameron 2.0, politics is all about the people. He has integrated social networking so you can feedback, anytime, day or night. It's integration, integration, integration! Everyone complained that Cameron Classic didn't have any policy. Well not anymore! The people, that's his policy! Whatever you what him to be, that's what he stands for. Cameron 2.0 really can be all things to all people. It really is all about you.' Hague then posed for photographers with his creation, amid rapturous feed back from the audience.
Hague soon left the stage, and the hysteria in the conference centre immediately began to subside with the revelation that George Osborne was up next, with another of his awful 'recovery' Powerpoint presentations.