After consultation with MOD officials the government has agreed to scrap Trident as the UKs number one military defence deterrent and will instead go ahead with plans to link The Smethwick Advertiser to the MOD homepage and forward it to all those nations around the world already known to have nuclear capability.
A similar web link containing a guided tour of the shopping centre at Tipton and the HGV car park just off the Lower Gornal by-pass will also be sent to those countries currently in the process of enriching weapons grade plutonium in order to build nuclear weapons.
Ministers must also decide shortly whether to scrap the UKs stockpile of nuclear arm all together and simply rely on using the ‘online threat’ of similar towns scattered throughout the UK in order to ensure the safety of mainland Britain.
An MOD think tank has arrived at the conclusion that towns such as Dundee, Canvey Island, Swansea and Barrow-in-Furness are a force in themselves and far more effective than 1000 nuclear weapons ever could be in preventing attacks or deterring hostiles.
Officials agreed that just one look at any of these towns on Google Earth would convince would-be aggressors that they were either not worth wasting expensive nuclear arms on or that somebody had already beaten them to it.
‘Down the centuries towns in the West Midlands have proved to be the ideal deterrent against invading armies and should be the blueprint for all future defence strategy’ said an MOD official ‘who’s ever heard of the Battle of Bloxwich or seen plans for the invasion of Sutton Coldfield and when’s the last time you saw a foreign visitor wearing an ‘I’ve Been To Dudley’ T shirt’. No, nor have we’.
‘It is said an army marches on its stomach’ explained the official ‘but let’s face it, if you invaded Stourbridge it would be the prisoners. Any invading army simply wouldn’t get a look in, it’s just not going to happen’.
However, MOD officials did admit a nuclear attack on Smethwick would be devastating to the UK as a whole. ‘There is either the prospect of thousands dying a slow and agonising death from the fallout, the whole area becoming an uninhabitable wasteland for years to come or deal with a nuclear strike. It’s a tough call for somebody to make’ argued the official.
Lib-Dems, who in their manifesto were fully committed to abandoning all nuclear capability were also having a change of heart after being shown video footage of a typical Friday night outside ‘Quims’ nightclub in Halesowen and admitted that having witnessed the filth and squalor of a Black Country night out first hand that maybe nuclear weapons aren’t such a bad idea after all. In fact, Lib-Dem armed forces minister Nick Harvey will be asking the House later today if there is anything in the Geneva Convention that prevents a country using nuclear weapons on itself.
Footnote: Tipton is a town in the West Midlands thought to be the only place in the UK that has a Woolworths still open for business after head office forget to tell them they were shutting down the network of chain stores back in 2008. Although the broken windows and boarded up shop front may give the impression of an abandoned, run down failed business staff insist it was always like that anyway and can point to a recent award from the local council for best kept gutters in Tipton. Fears were expressed that the real danger actually lies from within and that some of these towns could become the target of zealots, crazed fundamentalists and religious fanatics. But the claims were dismissed after a Saturday afternoon spent at the Hawthorns proved it was far too late to worry about such things. Locals insisted it was even worse on match days
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MOD to replace Trident with web link to Smethwick Advertiser
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After consultation with MOD officials the government has agreed to scrap Trident as the UKs number one military defence deterrent and will instead go ahead with plans to link The Smethwick Advertiser to the MOD homepage and forward it to all those nations around the world already known to have nuclear capability.Posted 3 years ago #
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