Scientists working in the field of exobiology believe that alien life forms would have evolved along similar lines to human beings and share basic anatomical features, including a digestive tract and nice broad shoulders, while retaining traditional attributes such as massive pointy heads, glowing eyes and big fuck off tentacles.
And one unfortunate consequence of having an alimentary canal, scientists say, is the host of attendant complaints such as piles, irritable bowel syndrome and farting loudly in assembly during some form of pious lecture delivered by a late middle-aged man with too much facial hair.
Those who are scanning the heavens for some kind of communication from the beyond believe that the first signals from a distant civilisation will contain coded information, and possible cures, for a range of intestinal complaints such as IBS, lactose intolerance and veganism.
Squinty-eyed TV astronomer Patrick Moore said: ‘ You could have a situation where these alien beings are exploiting wormholes and other exotic-sounding rips in the space-time continuum in a frantic search to find a weird and funky place to take a shit.’
‘If you look at the behaviour of these so-called UFOs , they tend to hover for a while in the sky before shooting off at terrific speed. If that’s not suggestive of someone desperately needing the khazi, or an extremely inept cameraman, then I’m not a morbidly obese peeping tom with a range of ill-fitting suits’
Moore’s thinks the aliens may be abducting people for IBS-based research and his theories have gained credence following a survey of the five hundred thousand Americans abducted this year to-date , many of whom reported some form of anal probe which, according to some, ‘felt real nice’ and ‘wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be once you get used to it’ . Although some within the scientific community doubt whether the intentions of the extraterrestrials are purely scientific, after one victim claimed the probe was nothing more than a crude piece of string with plastic beads attached, the investigation being carried out to a backdrop of cheesy wah-wah guitar and filmed on ‘some sort of mad futuristic space camera’ in high definition.
Last night, however, Astronomer Royal Sir Martin Rees backed up Moore’s view, insisting:
‘We believe the aliens are focussing their attention on human jacksies in an effort to understand our own biology and develop an effective solution to this chronic and debilitating condition which no doubt blights civilizations throughout the galaxy’
‘Probably a mixture of Rennie, KY Jelly and Immodium. ‘