A senior papal aide, Cardinal Walter Kasper, has come under steadily applied but relentlessly increasing pressure from the Catholic church to apologise after saying that arriving at Heathrow airport was like landing in a "Third World" country.
It is understood that in accordance with the hastily reintroduced traditional Catholic “Edict of Faith,” Cardinal Kasper is currently “relieving his conscience” in the presence of the Catholic church's chief inquisitor, Señor Fiscal.
A close confidant of the Cardinal stated, “Regrettably these consultations seem to have coincided with a marked decline in Cardinal Kasper's health. However, I've just returned from his quarters where he was stretched out on his errm . . . bed, and I can honestly say I've never seen him looking so relaxed. I had a short chat with him. He croaked into my ear, “I didn't expect . . .” but he was so emotional he was unable to complete the sentence. I'm sure he meant to say that he didn't expect to cause so much controversy, and I completely concur that nobody expected that. I am sure that as soon as he is able to speak again he will be issuing a full, unequivocal confession. Errm . . . I mean, apology.”
Meanwhile the Vatican has moved swiftly to dampen outrage by clarifying what the Cardinal actually meant by his comments. A spokesman stated that when the Cardinal said that the UK was marked by “a new and aggressive atheism,” what he meant was that in the UK many parents are actively opposed to allowing their children to be indoctrinated and brainwashed from an early age into believing an oppressive, restrictive dogma. There is even open criticism of the use of traditional holy Catholic methods like the use of guilt and fear on those too young to resist the imposition of opinion by elders. People in The UK also have a dangerously liberal attitude towards the rights of the individual and seem quite happy to have women and homosexuals living in their midst, almost as if they are normal people. To cap it all there have even been reports of children being buggered by non-believers!
The Cardinal's "Third World" comment was said to refer to the UK's multicultural society. A spokesman observed, “The Cardinal did not mean to imply that the UK is a Third World country, just that it sometimes looks like one. You see, when one looks around and sees so many polacks, niggers and pakkies it looks to us like a Third World country. I trust you will see the distinction in the eyes of the church? I can assure you that no offence was intended to the true Briton; the white, male, heterosexual, Catholic Briton."