The NHS confirmed today that most UK surfers are mentally impaired. It was generally accepted that this was the case but now it has been officially confirmed. Studies were undertaken at resorts along the UK coastline but mainly centred around Newquay where the waves can get up to 4ft high on a rough day.
The NHS study centred on posing dickheads in wetsuits to see if they were as mentally challenged as they appeared to be to the general public. Newquay is a place for heavy drinking and for falling off cliffs and not really for riding the waves. There are bigger waves in the Rhyl Sun Centre.
Surfers lie on a board and paddle out for a 100 yards. They then catch the third wave and stand up on the board until they fall off near the beach. They then paddle out again. They do this about 200 times. The NHS didn't deem it necessary to ask any questions. Just observing this behaviour led them to the conclusion that they were a bit mental.
One survey studied surfers at the Severn Estuary. It's known as the Bore and it certainly looked as dull as ditchwater. You ride a 6inch wave for about 7 miles. It's not really surfing. It's just standing up on a damp floorboard.
The World Health Authority, WHO - you may well ask - had already concluded that most surfers around the world are a few ripples short of a tsunami after conducting short surveys around the coasts of Hawaii, Australia and South Africa.
The report stated: "50ft waves is nature's way of telling you to get out of the water. It's not some directive telling you to stand up on a plank and hope for the best. The fact that Australians enjoy it tells you it's not for the intelligent. When you see people walking past a 'shark infested waters' sign and going into the water and paddling out you begin to realise that they are not all there upstairs. They must look like a pork chop on Ryvita to a hungry shark."