A leaked draft of the forthcoming Comprehensive Spending Review has revealed the Government’s most drastic measure yet to reduce public spending – privatising itself.
Under the new scheme, Government will become a limited company, as distinct from a limited Government. Major policy decisions will be made by big business, with commercial interests taking priority over politics and morals. For example, fiscal policy could in the future be shaped by the will of the banks rather than the Treasury, while at the extreme end of the scale, Britain could go to war for financial reasons, rather than just ones.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, has admitted that the proposal is under consideration, and that he believes it is the right thing to do: ‘The time, kindly sponsored by Omega, has come to reform Government. In recent years, the traditional pursuit of making vast amounts of money through politics has given way to big business, and we need to work with commercial partners to ensure that we can do both.’
Asked whether he believed the private sector has the commercial acumen for this drastic measure, Mr Osborne replied, ‘One has only to look at the performance of our banks and manufacturing industries to realise that their talents can be better employed elsewhere.’
As part of the privatisation scheme, the Government will be floated on the Stock Exchange, giving taxpayers a unique opportunity to own part of Great Britain. The move is likely to be controversial, however, with Mr Osborne admitting that investors may see little or no return on their outlay: ‘We will be following the excellent model devised by RBS and Lloyds TSB by refusing to give our shareholders a penny of our profits. We feel sure that following the example of the banks will set us off on the road to success.’
The idea of sponsorship to raise extra revenue has also been mooted, with one deal already in the bag. John Bercow will henceforth be known as the Bang & Olufsen Speaker, while McDonalds are in advanced negotiations to rename Big Ben. If these deals go ahead, they will follow in the footsteps of another London landmark, after the Church of England General Synod gave the go-ahead for a Spanish bank to take over the running of Westminster Santander.
The new legislation means MPs will be able to earn vast amounts of money by working for big businesses. They will represent the interests of their corporate partners in Parliament in exchange for large fees, and will act as middlemen, connecting businesses with senior cabinet colleagues.
Tory grandee, Sir Nicholas Pinkerton-Parker, said, ‘Sounds like business as usual, what? Oh sorry, I mean… this is an important step towards reducing the public deficit, and making Britain more competitive. Was that alright, George?’
It is expected that MPs’ salaries will rise to be in line with senior executives in industry, but that they will fall short of those enjoyed by heads of Quangos.