US pastor and borderline head-the-ball, Terry Jones, has suspended plans to burn the Koran and, seeking compromise, has offered to set fire to a copy of popular heavy rock digest ‘Kerrang’ in its place.
Jones is of the view that it sounds enough like the Koran to seriously wind up Muslims, especially those who are hard of hearing, while having the added advantage of not exposing the country’s skyscrapers to undue risk from slightly off-course jet airliners.
The foaming zealot has highlighted the November 2009 issue featuring an in depth interview with Steve Tyler out of Aerosmith in which Tyler neglects any mention of going to Sunday School as a child and talks of his addiction to alcohol and drugs and how he likes to drive his car really very fast indeed sometimes doing 35 in a 30 zone.
Addressing a half-full congregation Jones bellowed:
‘Citizens, it is my humble duty to draw your attention to the track called Slice of Your Pie from the album Dr Feelgood. I think we can be in no doubt that the noun ‘pie’ in this instance is a euphemism for pussy, or 'stoat' if you are a UK-based listener.’
Inserting a vinyl copy of the album into a state-of-the-art Bang & Olufsen stereo, Jones continued:
‘Listen, if you play the track backwards you can clearly hear him sing: ‘I wanna smoke crack with Satan. I wanna invest in a high calibre hand gun. I wanna exceed the speed limit in my Nissan, then do your daughter up the wrong ‘un. ‘
‘Lyrically, it’s not a patch on their first album.’
President Obama, meanwhile, vociferously opposed plans to burn the magazine insisting that America is a place where music as diverse as goth, metal, punk and happy hardcore could peacefully coexist with the notable exception of Country & Western or anything written or collaborated on by Chris Martin out of Coldplay, especially if referred to as a ‘project’ by the vocally-challenged Bono-clone.
Last night Tyler hit back at the preacher’s claims , insisting ‘Slice of Your Pie’ was about just that – his mom’s apple pie . Dewy-eyed with nostalgia, Tyler confessed: ‘Sure, momma’s apple pie was the best on the block, and was the ideal come down after a night spent shooting the juice with a gaggle of whores. ’