Foreign Secretary, William Hague, has today announced the latest psy-ops initiative in the war on terror – the Polari.
The missile is programmed to hover over its target and bewilder its enemies with messages delivered in the camp slang of ‘Polari’. It is hoped that the devoutly Muslim troops of the Taliban will be so confused and offended by the Polari that they will be temporarily incapacitated, giving a distinct advantage to British forces.
At his holiday chalet on the Greek island of Mykonos, the Foreign Secretary showed assembled reporters video footage of Polari trials carried out on an Afghan prisoner. Mr Hague said, ‘Varder, varder well the jolly old eek of your actual Afghan. Varder ‘ow ‘is lallies tremble at the mere thought of omi-palones trolling round ‘is cave, with their painted orbs and powdered eeks. Five minutes with one o’ them and ‘e’ll be in no state to fight big, butch soldiers, I can tell you.’
Psy-ops are nothing new to warzones. Leafleting and playing music at an annoyingly loud volume are staples of modern military tactics, while US forces have employed more leftfield methods to disorientate the enemy. Jon Ronson famously wrote of a secret training programme on which soldiers were trained to kill goats by staring at them. It is believed that this technique has now been employed in Afghanistan, thereby robbing the natives of a valuable food source and income stream.
Yet the Polari represents a new phase in the development of psy-ops activities. Mr Hague claims the idea hit him one night in bed: ‘It came to me in a flash. I turned to my special advisor and said, “’Ere, I’ve got a bona idea.” ‘E ogled me with a knowing expression on his eek and said, “bona eh? That’s good.” I said, “I know, ducky. I might be as straight as they come, but I am fluent in Polari, you know.” Anyway, I phoned that nice Dr Fox, explained my idea and voila! Your actual Polari missile was born.’
Polari is a form of camp slang popularised in the 1960s by effeminate homosexuals such as Julian and Sandy, Quentin Crisp and Harold MacMillan. It was used chiefly by gay men seeking to disguise their sexuality from a cruel and unforgiving public.
Mr Hague recently revealed that he is 100% heterosexual and very much enjoys having it off with his wife, Ffion.