White House staffers inventing fake States to tell Trump he won them
In order to placate the tangerine tantrum thrower in chief, White House staffers have been inventing places and then claiming that the Republicans won there – thanks to Trump’s magnetism. 'Does Ballroomia sound like a real place?' squeaked one panicking White House staffer 'Irandiana? Oilhio? Dieselaware? North Corruption and South Corruption of course. How about Putinsylvania? Muskachusettes? Rhodeflecting Pool?' 'We’ll tell him that Melania has been elected as a Senator for
'Wiping my bum with The Daily Mail has turned me into a ranting xenophobe' claims Warwick man
A man who wiped his backside using squares cut from the Daily Mail claims he's become a ranting xenophobe as a result. Dave Phelps from Warwick said it started when a well-intentioned dinner party joke backfired next morning after he wiped his arse with the newspaper, having forgotten to switch it back to his Waitrose triple-ply super soft. 'But by then it was too late. I’d gone and wiped me bum with the Mail and within minutes I was slagging off my longtime best friend and n
Apologising for things other people did “really easy”, King confirms
As he nears the end of his tour of the Caribbean, which has seen pressure on him regarding Britain’s involvement in the slave trade, King Charles remarked to an aide how easy it is to apologise for things you didn’t do in the first place. ”It’s an absolute piece of piss,” remarked the monarch. “I can’t think why one didn’t do it years ago.' ”I mean, one’s basically saying that someone else - maybe even the person who had one’s job at the time - was a very bad hat who did some
Robinson Crusoe scraps plan for Friday to wait 15 years to be allowed into the compound
As long as Friday wears European clothing, learns to speak English, and adopts Christianity, he will be eligible sleep indoors at night. However, the castaway still demands that Friday call him "Master" and refuses to share his own real name. Crusoe says the policy was "guided above all by fairness", yet he still assumes a position of superiority, treating Friday as a subordinate rather than an equal social companion, despite Friday's intense loyalty and gratitude. Anyone el
Ten Reasons you should vote for Trump
1. Um. 2. Er. 3. ... 10. That's it.
3,000 ‘Peacekeepers’ to hide in birthday cake
The EU/UK insisted that their Ukrainian ‘peacekeeping’ force was not an army, but merely a rambling group of birdwatchers on the Russian border. Putin, on the other hand, was not convinced that they were harmless, noticing 3,000 binoculars abruptly swivel towards Moscow. Said one of his generals, ‘Hiding thousands of soldiers in one enormous trench coat is shifty. Insisting their name is ‘Mr Jenkins’, while standing on each other’s shoulders, is downright alarming.’ The EU/UK
Reform UK becomes KU Mrofer to wipe slate clean
Reform UK was only founded eight years ago,' said a rants-man for the former party, 'but it became so overwhelmed by allegations of sleaze and racism that we have shut it down and started up the all-new, squeaky clean KU Mrofer. 'It sounds a bit suspiciously foreign and exotic, 'KU Mrofer', but we swear it's as exotic as a full English breakfast and a Rothmans afterwards. 'And our leader, who never appears in the Commons any more because they keep swiping his prayer card, has
Bonfire Night Policing
Police Scotland has said that as many as 1,700 officers could be deployed on and around 5 November to deal with fireworks-related disorder, in the biggest police operation since the visit by President Donald Trump last year. Colourful, brash and noisy, President Trump was in Scotland last July.
US Democrats: We'll shoot fish in barrel this time round
1We have fought multiple elections against a party led by a man totally unfit - morally, temperamentally and intellectually - to be US president," said a spokes-wasted ballot for the Democrats. 'You'd think that winning against a deranged, deceitful convicted criminal like that would be as easy as shooting fish in a barrel. But whatever we do, we keep missing. Presidential elections, Congressional elections, mid-terms - you name them, we've flunked them and handed them on a p
Trump's going to need a bigger trophy cabinet
Hot on the heels of last week's completely made up Man of the Century award comes yet another ludicrous plaudit for Trump. "The Best Person To Have Lived... Ever" trophy will be presented to him at a lavish White House ceremony in December as part of the Christmas celebrations. The prize is understood to comprise a repurposed Junior League baseball shield, a lifetime supply of McDonald's, and fifty-five billion dollars in untraceable cryptocurrency. Speaking in The Oval Off
