Amidst reports of teenagers 8ft tall terrorising the good citizens of Camberwell, a new Government paper suggests that legal highs from plant food such as meow meow could be responsible for an increase in cases of gigantism.
Scientists believe that not only are users experiencing the mind-altering effects of the chemicals, the fertiliser properties are also causing them to grow at a greatly increased rate. Experts believe that the plant food may be reacting with green matter, most commonly hash cake or the gherkins out of a Big Mac, precipitating rapid and excessive growth.
Whereas sightings of boys over 6ft 6 used to be quite rare and confined to the occasional glimpse of a freak, they are becoming all too common, particularly in the London suburb of Camberwell. One concerned resident, Emilia Sweet, said, ‘I had just got home from work and was in the bedroom getting changed. I became aware of an enormous face peering into my window. Living in a first floor apartment, it’s not the sort of thing I expect to see. As I turned round, he must have realised he was rumbled. I went over to the window but he had gone. I watched him scarper, loping down the street like a giraffe chasing a bus. I haven’t been able to open my curtains since.’
The centre of the controversy is believed to be the local comprehensive, St Goliath’s, which has a reputation for drug problems of a legal and illegal nature. The school previously hit the headlines in 2007, when four pupils were expelled for smoking bananas in Home Economics. Their teacher, April L’Estrange, was dismissed for her part in the incident, having previously been warned for snorting nutmeg off the staff room table.
However, not everybody accepts that legal highs are to blame for the growth in giant teenagers. Headmaster of St Goliath’s, Derek Pearce, had this to say: ‘It is true that we have spent this year’s capital budget on raising the ceilings and increasing the height of the doors, and our after-school gardening club has seen a surge in membership, however there is absolutely no evidence to suggest that pupils have been taking large doses of meow meow on our premises. Indeed, we have recently stepped up security round our shed following a number of break-ins over the Summer, and I am confident that no fertiliser has been misappropriated from St Goliath’s. If any pupils are found with legal highs at school, they will have their collar felt, assuming we can find a step ladder tall enough.’
Mr Pearce was speaking from the UK Schools Basketball Final, where St Goliath’s secured a 283-13 victory over QEGS Barnsley.