The Volvos won a decisive battle against the VWs yesterday in the War of the Roads outside St Olaf’s Preparatory School in Walton-on-Thames. Despite the VWs’ superior tactical ability, their elegant pincer movement was foiled by sheer weight in a display of brute strength by a phalanx of 4x4s and old estates.
‘They don’t know Jack Shit,’ said Felicity Harman, leader of the Volvos, ‘whereas I do. He’s a successful fund manager, and we go to each other’s parties. He gave us some very sound advice on the use of mindless aggression. Me and the girls was giving it da finger, innit. I say, do we have to talk like this…OK…The girls and I were giving it the finger, isn’t it. That’s much better. Anyway, their pincer movement came to nothing because of course our cars have such excellent side impact protection.’
Ms Harman, a freelance PR consultant, offered further insight into the victory. ‘Our motto is “no going back”. It not only sounds good but actually it’s more a statement of fact, with very few of the girls being able to reverse an XC90 in anything other than the simplest of circumstances. We were also helped by the dull conditions, because with their wraparound sunglasses the VW tarts were unable to see a thing.’
Headmistress Jane Haliburton said the battles were regrettable but almost unavoidable. ‘Life round here is hard,’ she said. ‘It’s dog eat dog, and in this case I’m not speaking wholly metaphorically. In particular it’s a good lesson for the kids on how to behave in later life.’
Commenting on how the Porche and BMW mums refused to get involved, Mrs Haliburton said: ‘They’re no better anyway. They have their own private driveway and car park for instance, which has the great advantage that they can act as if they own the road for their entire journey. But we can’t get rid of the poorer mothers; they do so much committee work and of course we do need all the fee income we can get.’
Kate Schumann, leader of the VWs, promised to be back, saying a new alliance with the Range Rovers would put them back in the driving seat, provided the Range Rovers didn’t break down on the day.