'"Thank you cows",' snorted Nancy, a three-year-old Friesian at Grove Farm near Bridgewater, Somerset. 'What, for forcing us into a concrete shed twice a day, nabbing the milk we make for our young who you shoot through the head at birth and turning us into mince at the end of it? Oh you're very welcome. Not.'
Nancy is leading bovine protests at what she calls the 'deeply patronising and offensive' TV advertising campaign by Muller Dairies in which cows are featured in a variety of unusual contexts.
'I know you Germans have a rather strange sense of humour, but for the record we don't want to run along beaches,' she said. 'A nice open field with lots of grass is all we want. And there aren't any beaches in Shropshire where you claim we come from. Stick to custard pies and genocide from now on, eh?'