The Deepwater Horizon disaster is to be made into a Hollywood film this winter, with Bruce Willis rumoured to be in the starring role. "It will be very respectful," said Dane Thompson, one of the producers. "Because people died and stuff. And the birds weren't too happy either. We are going to put the names of the dead in the end credits. Not the dead birds of course. Alas we never knew them."
However the film, partly funded by BP, will mostly recount the heroic attempts to plug the leaking oil following the disaster. Bruce Willis, as an aging hero of former disasters, will lead the 'catastrophe limitation team' assigned to stop the flow of oil. He will have a glamorous female assistant who will end up riskily diving down to inspect the leak herself. This will require her to wear a wetsuit. The producers are currently considering the tagline, 'Only the straightest man can plug this hole'.