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The NewsBiscuit Exchange

(127 posts) (65 voices)

Started 3 years ago by Arthur
Latest reply from Sir Lupus

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Russian Embassy

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Region 2 rights to mobile phone app. Fully compatible with Facebook and Twitter. As used by Britain First. Contact Mr. V. Putin at Box 111, NewsBiscuit.

Posted 3 years ago #
Chipchase

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4-day old half-eaten cheese and pickle sandwich on brown bloomer. Might suit someone castaway on a desert island who hasn't eaten for a while.

Apply Box 21.Newsbiscuit.

Posted 3 years ago #
MyHermes

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Lowest prices on deliveries, anwhere in the world. Will leave in someone's hedge at no extra charge. T&C apply. Box 113 NewsBiscuit.

Posted 3 years ago #
DPD

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Best rates on delivery to a preferred place of our choice anywhere within half a mile of your postcode area. 100% success rate guaranteed. Please apply to the dosser behind the skips at the Amazon warehouse.

Posted 3 years ago #
FlashArry

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Aniseed Balls, Peppermint Cock, Licorice Clitoris. Oral sex will never be the same again ! Apply to Genital Confections, Box 69. Strict no-returns policy.

Posted 3 years ago #
Food Standards Agency

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Knackered Romanian pit ponies for sale. Whole, quartered or minced. Buyer collects from Ireland. Please state country of origin required. Certified use-by dates also available (extra). Box 116 NewsBiscuit.

Posted 3 years ago #
Jayda Fransen

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Daughters for sale. Unused. Choice of three. Will exchange for Green Card. Box 117 NewsBiscuit.

Posted 3 years ago #
Crayon

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Therapeutic knee-touching offered in return for media hype.

Loundshay - Does that "therapeutic knee-touching" come with a comforting sext in the night, or a kindly obligation to shop for sex toys?

Posted 3 years ago #
Ministry of Defence

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Bren gun with 250 rounds of ammunition. Will exchange for barrel of crude oil. Box 118 NewsBiscuit.

Posted 3 years ago #
@realDonaldTrump

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Jerusalem for sale. Cut out the middle man. Contact me direct.

Posted 3 years ago #
Amazon

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Get Jerusalem tomorrow with FREE one-day delivery when you subscribe to Amazon Prime.

Posted 3 years ago #
Crayon

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HELICOPTER PAPER - Annoying aircraft stick like
flies. Covers 8 square miles. $200,000,000 ono.
Phone MIT on Friday night.

CELL MATES - Proper slags. Will trade for a pack
of snouts or Chris Grayling. Contact Micky Threeballs
on Facebook. Must have drones to collect.

COCK GRATER - Ann Summers replica without
tourniquet. Works a treat, but I'm down to my
pelvis, hence sale. £9.99. Call A&E.

MERINGUE HORSE - Rides well on the flat, but
not so good in the wet. Will swap for sponge donkey.
Ask for Princess Anne at the funny farm.

PEAS IN A POD - Unknown quantity. Will
not split. Likeness not guaranteed. 5p or 6p,
maybe more. No offers. Email: peas@
fukushimaallotmentsociety.org.jp

XMAS RADIO TIMES - with every programme
crossed out in black biro cos its all shit. You can
have it for nothing after I smack you in the boat.
Buyer must collect 7.00am xmas day. Call me
tonight after EastEnders you ponce.

ODOUR TOILET - Not the foreign kind.
Perfect gift for ladies who like toilets.
Ring Cllr Debbie at Thanet District Council.

KFC BARGAIN BUCKETS - Can be used as flimsy
buckets or to feed shit to pigs. Contact your local
recycling centre or collect direct from streets.

Posted 3 years ago #
sydalg

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Laptop. Right half of keyboard never used. Apply Damian Green's office, Westminster (knock before entering).

Posted 3 years ago #
Crayon

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MOON ON A STICK - The actual moon on a handy
stick. All yours for $20 and 'true faith'. Buyer collects.
The stick is round the back, honest. Box 666 Jerusalem.

Posted 3 years ago #
DD+ of Surrey

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Bubbly lady, loves walking and intelligent company, good with animals, GSOH, N/S, WLTM sincere gentleman for lasting relationship. Send photograph of recent bank statement. Box 124 NewsBiscuit.

Posted 3 years ago #
Magdy

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Tramadol Hydrochloride Capsules, 50mg, EGP 1500 per pack of 30. Box 125 Cairo.

Posted 3 years ago #
Chipchase

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Tesco Finest Turkey 15lb (will poison up to 10)

Unwanted and unused. Smells a bit rancid but possibly still edible and with no visible maggots.

Buyer collects (ideally wearing a full body decontamination suit)

NewsBiscuit Box 23 Welwyn Garden City

Posted 3 years ago #
Crayon

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PAPER CROWN - Guaranteed to induce irritation,
passive aggression, gluttony, nausea and lethargy.
One 'merry' owner. Will swap for paper knickers.
Box 88 Campbed.

Posted 3 years ago #
Wang Tong Industry Services Ltd.

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EU certificates of compliance. Lowest prices. For free quotation send product details to Box 128 Shanghai.

Posted 3 years ago #
Not Amused

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Sick Syrian children. Will swap for prisoners or latest FIFA game. Details to Any Box dropped over Syrian government occupied land.

Posted 3 years ago #
Chipchase

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Wanted

A shred of integrity or might also consider an iota of self-awareness. Top prices paid.

Contact D. Trump C/O The White House, Washington, America-landshire

Posted 3 years ago #
Crayon

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Some people still don't get it; Trump doesn't want or need integrity and self-awareness; they are worthless in the pursuit of greatness. If God doesn't have them, then why should Trump?

Posted 3 years ago #
Crayon

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QUALITY STREET WRAPPERS - Assorted. Approx two
square miles - enough to ensnare a turtle, choke a
pelican and bury an Attenborough. Buyer collects
below my sofa. Will swap for help to the toilet.
Box 1 Fatfuck.

Posted 3 years ago #
Chipchase

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Fisheye Lens

Relax in an atmospheric quayside surroundings with a cold beer and a bowl of chowder.

Call Fisherman's Wharf 98765453 ask for Len

Posted 3 years ago #
Crayon

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PHLEGM - Approx 6 litres in assorted colours and
consistencies. Use it to convince others you're not
fit to get up, wash up, or man up! Will swap for
antibiotics. (Warning: may contain mucus.)
Box 4 Ply Tissues.

Posted 3 years ago #
Foreign Office

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Full rights to join international political union. Slightly used. Would suit foreign country. £4 billion o.n.o. Commonwealth members need not apply. Ask for free leaflet at the gift shop checkout.

Posted 3 years ago #
Homeland Security

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Tenders invited for dividing wall. Send pro forma invoice to the Embassy of Mexico, 1911 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C.

Posted 3 years ago #
Oxbridge

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My girlfriend, Rebecca from Mature Dating. Currently available for collection within three miles of anywhere. £45 ono, will consider trade for Milf with one careful owner. Box (fnarr fnarr) 25, Newsbiscuit.

Posted 3 years ago #
Chipchase

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M25 Motorway

Free to anyone who wants it as long as they take it away. Might suit France.

Posted 3 years ago #
Trade Supplier

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Case of Irn Bru, new recipe, 24 litres, with 8kg granulated sugar. Would exchange for similar quantity of Buckfast and a bottle of meths.

Posted 3 years ago #