In an astonishing edict from the beyond the grave, Pope John Paul II has complained ‘the life hereafter is not what it’s cracked up to be’. His dramatic outburst, delivered on the eve of his successor’s visit to Britain, was communicated in faltering Polski-English via medium and psychic Rosemary Parsons.
In the hour long communication, the former Bishop of Rome, talked about his afterlife. He admitted being surprised at his reception at the pearly gates. ‘When I arrived in Heaven, there was no rejoicing or special treatment despite my former earthly status. On my induction course I was told my “holiness” title no longer applied and I was to be known simply as Pope No. 264. One moment you’re the Vicar of Jesus Christ, the next you’re just a number.’
Mrs Parsons asked John Paul II if his accommodation matched the opulence he had enjoyed at the Vatican. ‘That’s another thing,’ complained the Polish born ex-Pope. ‘When you arrive everyone goes onto a housing list. I thought it would take an eternity to be housed but the beatification bumped me up the list. Then every time I think I’m about to be sorted, another Muslim suicide bomber arrives and jumps to the front of the queue. Sometimes I think I will take a blessed miracle to get my own place.’
Strangely, the former Pope has yet to meet God. ‘I don’t anyone to think I’m moaning,’ he moaned ‘but for someone who is omnipresent, the Almighty seems to be pretty anonymous. No one I know here has ever seen him. All the scientists are delighted. They all say this just proves that God doesn’t exist.’
Pope Benedict XVI was unavailable for comment as he was packing for his forthcoming visit to Britain, but a Vatican spokesman dismissed the spiritual message from the former pontiff as a ‘load of papal bull.’