Despite further evidence that Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, or ME as it is otherwise known, may be caused by a virus, scientists have warned that a persistent hardcore of fat lazy fuckers are feigning symptoms of the disease as an excuse to bunk off school and sit in their underpants all day watching CBeebies.
The condition is characterised by exhaustion following normal childhood activities such as scrawling oversized genitals on bus shelters, spitting chewing gum on to pavements and seeing how long it takes an earthworm to ignite using the sun, a magnifying glass and a focal length of approximately ten centimetres.
There are some 15,000 child sufferers in the UK alone, including a proportion of anally-retentive malingerers looking for a good enough reason to stay off school and cause a major headache for the people who have to rearrange their life-defeating, shitty jobs on their behalf.
Symptoms can include muscle pain, sore throat and the tendency to talk in a pathetically feeble voice while clutching a TV remote, before calling you a hateful old cow and threatening suicide if you don’t go out immediately and buy them an Xbox.
However, the discovery of heightened levels of white blood cells in a few genuine sufferers have raised hopes that one day science may be able to separate the wheat from the chaff and fast track the lazy ones to some sort of punishment facility where hard work and diligence is rewarded by an endless supply of carrots and the sort of TV programmes their Dad likes to watch on BBC4, assuming he’s not been thrown out for banging that secretary, the one who keeps buying them presents.
Kyle Murray, 14 of Aberdeen, was a normal healthy teenager who enjoyed athletics and cycling until he accidentally discovered his genitals whilst mending a puncture, an event which coincided with the onset of his ME.
‘He’s become sullen and withdrawn and refuses to leave his bedroom and I for one am happy to believe it’s all caused by a virus rather than think of my beautiful baby boy polluting himself over one of those twenty second mpegs of some skank he’s downloaded from the internet, which are usually just long enough to bring you off if you stick them on repeat play,’ said Kyle’s distraught mother Angela .
But some scientists remain sceptical as to the true nature of the illness. Professor Raymond Cummins of the Centre for Bullshit Diseases said : ‘If it’s caused by a virus , how come no one has discovered it yet?’
‘Usain Bolt didn’t suddenly go from being the world’s fastest sprinter to riding around on a mobility scooter complaining that he can’t go to school because everyone laughs at his dick in the showers did he? ‘
‘And you could probably say the same for Carl Lewis.’