Casting aside lingering doubts over a groin injury, England manager Fabio Capello believes talismanic striker Wayne Rooney is ready to deliver against a formidable line-up of Basle sex workers and is fully aware of the task at hand.
The allegations that Rooney paid up to one thousand pounds a night for a high class call girl who also does sex things, Capello claims, is ample evidence, despite being totally unproven, that the England ace has returned to form just at the right time.
It has been over four years since the player’s last outing in a Liverpool brothel and many in the game have begun to question the striker’s commitment to expensive high-risk vaginas and the lurid tabloid headlines that often accompany them.
Seasoned commentator Alan Hansen said : ‘You look at the latest pictures of Rooney coming out of nightclubs and I’ve gotta say his body language is all wrong. In years gone by the lad would have gone direct to one of the skankiest brothels in town and ended up stayin’ for breakfast. Probably Full English with a fried egg that looks like it’s seen better days. These days he looks like he can’t wait to get home to the wife. If you’re talkin’ about role models, what kinda example is that setting to the youngsters who’re watchin.’ at home .‘
‘It’s a shame because you’re talkin’ about one of the most naturally gifted shaggers of his generation but is he willing to back it up with the cash? A thousand pounds is a lot of money, but the Swiss girls will be charging that for a basic hand shandy – no frills . ‘
‘The last time I was there I paid eight Swiss Francs just for a Toblerone. A finger up my arse would have cost me another five hundred.’
Meanwhile Capello’s scouts have been doing their homework and have identified one member of the Basle line-up who poses a real challenge to the England dynamo. As penalty misser Stuart Pearce put it:
‘There is a particular lady called Brunhilde who at the age of 56 has tackled some of the best strikers in the game. She has a reputation for keeping things very tight at the back but that shouldn’t worry someone with Wayne’s penetration and all round ball skills. ‘
‘And yes, despite the cleverly-worked footballing analogy, I am talking about bum sex.’