In a move that has shaken Toytown to its building block foundations, Noddy has taken the unprecedented step of releasing a statement in an attempt to quell ongoing rumours about the true nature of his relationship with Big Ears.
‘For many years now, our friendship has been the subject of untrue and malicious gossip,’ said the small wooden boy, who strenuously denies allowing Big Ears to play with his bell in return for favours. ‘I realise in hindsight that us sharing a bed may have given rise to this speculation. And my comments about us having a “gay old time in the woods” have been taken entirely out of context.’
Despite his innocence, Noddy has unceremoniously sacked Big Ears as his best friend and banished him to the spare room, a move that has not come a moment too soon for irritated neighbours.
One resident, a Mrs T Bear, said, ‘Hopefully we will finally be able to get a bit of peace and quiet round here. Every blooming night, my husband and I would be kept awake by the rhythmical sound of a bell jangling, accompanied by a moaning noise which would last for several minutes. Then the sweet scent of cigarette smoke would come wafting through our bedroom window. Heaven knows what they were doing in there.’
When confronted with this evidence, a blushing Noddy retorted, ‘It is well documented that I am a keen judo enthusiast. It has become our custom of a night to grapple on the bedroom rug and yes, I do prefer to fight with my lucky hat on. In the hurly-burly of a bout, it is only natural that a judoka will occasionally grunt and groan under the intense probing of his opponent until, finally, the victor will emit a roar of triumph. If he then chooses to enjoy his victory with a glass of single malt and a fag, that is his business.’
The latest speculation is not the first time Noddy has been at the centre of controversy. Several years ago, he was accused of dogging in a well-known lay-by on the outskirts of Toytown, after the local policeman, Mr Plod, spotted his distinctive red and yellow car tooting its horn and flashing its lights. No charges were brought as Noddy was able to prove that he had not in fact been in the car at the time. He had been scrabbling round on the forest floor with Big Ears, naked so as not to dirty their clothes, as they foraged for truffles. The car had simply been trying to warn them that EastEnders was starting in five minutes time.