President Trump has issued an emergency executive order banning "every goddamn American" from the country until further notice.
"Just found out that it was an American that killed more of our citizens in Las Vegas in one night than ISIS, North Korea and the NFL COMBINED have managed all year. Ban all Americans now. ONLY SOLUTION!!!!!" said the President, in his now-traditional Monday 3:00a.m. Twitter rant to the nation.
Speaking to reporters this morning, White House Press Secretary Donna McColgan confirmed that troops were being deployed around the country to round up every American and "ship 'em all back to where they came from".
"This used to be a great country and a beacon of hope for the world", she said, "but these idiot Americans have just run it into the ground."
Although some people have voiced opposition to the move, up to 52% of US citizens are reported to have said "Hell, yeah!" to the proposal.
"This is a great idea", whooped Billy Rae Carter, from Arkansas. "All we hear about is these Americans killing folks all the time. We've been talking in Church about what do do about 'em, and thought we could maybe build a big border wall around each of them Americans personally, so that they couldn't get out and cause harm to decent people, but we only managed to do that to about 1,000 of the darker ones before we ran out of concrete. So, instead, we're gonna send 'em back home, wherever that is. Americanland or some place."
