Britain faces a new reign of terror from Jihadists obsessed by synthesiser bands dating back to the mid-1970s, it was claimed last night.
Intelligence services believe prisoners who are held on remand on trumped up terror charges have no particular interest in synth pop when first incarcerated, but tend to fall under the influence of older lags with more extensive music collections and an in depth knowledge of electronic music as performed by acts such as Kraftwerk, OMD and Soft Cell.
Professor Clive Harris of the Institute for New Wave and Synth Pop Studies, said:
‘Many of these guys are young and impressionable and have never set eyes on a sequencer, let alone held an entire nation to ransom with one. It starts with something mainstream like an early Depeche Mode album lent to them by a more experienced fellow inmate. The guys go away, listen to it for a bit, and come back saying stuff like ‘Yeah , not bad. What’s Vince Clarke doing nowadays? If you ask me they went downhill after he left.’
At this juncture, the fires of radicalisation have already been lit, Harris claims. ‘It’s not long before these ‘raw recruits’ want to find out more about the synth movement . They begin asking questions about Cabaret Voltaire and The Human League. Banging on about how they really want to visit Sheffield on day release.’
‘After that they are pretty much ready for the taking. They’ll be invited into a cell, usually at night time where someone will pass them a copy of Trans Europe Express, Kraftwerk’s seminal album from 1977. By this point they are already beyond our reach.’
Inmates become sullen and withdrawn, opting to spend hours in their cells poring over the circuit diagram for a Model III Moog synthesiser, usually smuggled into them from someone on the outside. They eschew beards in favour of immaculately combed hair with a side-parting and exude a slightly superior air.
‘We’ve had instances where these guys have attempted to build their own crude electronic instruments and secrete them about their cells. It’s hard to stop people bringing in circuit components such as capacitors and transistors, both of which fit easily inside your average back passage. Last week we even managed to retrieve a soldering iron.’
‘Then there’s the robot dancing. Whilst it’s fairly quirky and doesn’t of itself pose a threat to other inmates, it can severely hamper progress during canteen times. If you’re spooning mashed potato on to a plate in long, if slightly jerky, sweeping movements, it’s inevitably going to upset the person in the queue behind you, especially if they’re only after a pastie. ‘
‘And it can be hugely irritating as a fellow sympathiser will usually stand beside them doing the mechanical noises you associate with a slightly outdated moving robot – sort of whrrrrrzz , neeeurrrrrgh - like on Tomorrow’s World. We don’t want a riot on our hands but we do ask inmates to restrict their robotics to the exercise yard or the privacy of their own cells. ’
Harris paints a bleak picture and points to the fact that many of the prisoners are due for parole.
‘The worst case scenario is an attack on a shopping centre involving mass civilian casualties accompanied by some sort of Howard Jones revival. That’s what these people are capable of.’