Religious leaders are clambering over one another in the race to renounce Jesus, after analysis of the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that He had accrued massive unpaid library fines. According to James Mates of the British Library, 'records show he had a thirst for the risqué romantic fiction such as “Sodom and Gomorrah: Forbidden Love and Smiting” and was a regular borrower of many of the day’s premier magazine publications, such as “Shalom!”, “Carpenters' Wives”, “Which? Deity” and “God Winemaking”.
But the revelation has caused consternation in the religious community. It is believed that Jesus did not respond to several letters appealing for the borrowings to be returned, and failed to acknowledge a number of summons to the small claims court, leaving senior religious officials to question his omnipotence.
Whilst Chief Rabbis simply shrugged their shoulders and refused to comment upon whether the senior librarian was jewish, muslim leaders stated that, 'We always knew he was a pretender', but then refused to discuss Mohammed's unpaid council tax.
In a bold move, the catholic church has fully renounced its ties to the former Son of God, believing his indiscretion to have violated several of the Ten Commandments including 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' and 'Thou Shalt Not Read Trashy Magazines'. The Vatican also stated that it is to decide upon a new figurehead to whom to pray and it is believed they are considering someone old. And possibly German.
Yet the biggest losers appear to be The Priory of Sion who have long claimed to hold the secret of Christ's bloodline. Under new regulations, personal debt no longer dies with its holder leaving the organisation liable for the costs, which have amounted to upwards of £1000000 in weekly charges. However, The Grand Master released a statement denouncing any relationship with Jesus, saying 'It was an oversight on our part, we have to admit, and the creation of an over-furtive mind. Oh the painting? We have all agreed that it is a “lady-boy”; not that I'm suggesting anything, but there are no puffs in my family!'
The admission has also brought misfortune to Dan Brown, author of 'The Davinci Code', who has made millions proliferating the myth of Jesus on a scale not seen since the Bible was first published. Brown released a statement saying, ‘this is clearly a conspiracy created by Opus Dei, the notorious organization responsible for trying to repress the truth of Jesus’ mortal lineage. I mean, have you read “Forbidden Love and Smiting”? It’s absolute nonsense and the film is even worse!’