The Berkshire town of Bracknell has been finalising plans to put itself on the map once and for all by having one its inhabitants go completely berserk, arm themselves to the teeth and take to streets to kill a load of people.
‘Nothing gets the name of the town out there like a good old-fashioned massacre,’ said Mayor of Bracknell Forest, Councillor Ian Leake. ‘We’re just down the road from Hungerford, and they never let it drop about their atrocity. ‘Sixteen murders this, fifteen injured that.’ Well, wait till they see what we’ve got up our sleeve. We’re literally going to blow them away.’
The council hopes that a headline-grabbing killing spree will provide a major boost to the town’s flagging economy and national profile. ‘A corpse-strewn trail is just what we need to get journalists and camera crews booking out the Travelodge, sampling the cuisine in the high-street Subway and enjoying a pint and karaoke in the King’s Head as they tot up the bodycount. And fingers crossed, many will choose to come back with their families or think seriously about Bracknell if they are planning their own murderous rampage.’
Observers believe that with its combination of post-war town planning, access to Reading and the M4 corridor, no industry to speak of and some strategically-placed rifle ranges, Bracknell has every chance of hosting a mass fatality event. ‘Planning for an outrage like this really brings a community together,’ continued the Mayor. ‘Afterwards reporters always talk about a town in shock, about how residents never believed it could happen here. Well we did. Hungerford, Dunblane, Cumbria and now Bracknell. We’re ready to join the big boys and become the Columbine of the Thames Valley.’
However, as the final batch of commemorative T-shirts came back from the printers yesterday, the plan began to unravel as arguments broke out between residents hoping to secure the role of crazed gunman and quickly escalated into rioting and wide-scale civil unrest. ‘It was a disaster,’ said the Mayor. ‘A handful of injuries and no deaths. It barely made BBC Radio Berkshire. I tell you, heads are going to roll when I find out who’s responsible.’